


The moment all the senses stop

by joongies_last_braincell (TheAbsoluteWorst)



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, But he's a duffus, Childhood Friends, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Joongie is sad, Kim Hongjoong-centric, Long Distance Relationship, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Not all of it is sexual, Past Relationship(s), Post-Break Up, Seonghwa tries to fix it, Slice of Life, Supportive families and friends, Underage Drinking, Unreliable Narrator, Unresolved Emotional Tension, and kinda immature tbh, bad break up, but we all know how that turns out, he only has a regular 9-5 now though, honjoong and seonghwa are like 27, i mean i did try to beta myself, idk how to tag, model seonghwa, non traditional college student hongjoong, not beta read - we die like jongho's apples, other idols make cameos in this but they aren't recurirng characters, problematic long distance relationship, rated mature for language - adult themes and non explicit sexual activities, tags may be added as the story progresses, they are all in their mid to late 20 btw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:01:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 25,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29328948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAbsoluteWorst/pseuds/joongies_last_braincell
Summary: The last thing Hongjoong expects when he enters the little family restaurant he’s meeting his friends in is to see Park Seonghwa sitting amongst them smiling and laughing animatedly. But he's there, looking as good as he did the last time Hongjoong saw him face to face, almost 10 years ago. He’s not emotionally prepared for this to happen right now. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be emotionally prepared for this. It’s a little funny, just how different of an effect the same gaze can have on a person. Honjoong doesn't run away, only because he is rooted on the spot shocked and affraid.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 56





	1. "Chance" Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, hello! 🤗😚  
> This fic is going to follow a non-linear narrative storytelling. Basically, there'll be a main story line that follows a natural passage of time and then there'll be scenes that paint the context of Soengjoong's relationship now in the past. Those follow no specific order and aren't timeline linear. Just to clear up any possible confusion.
> 
> This is my first fic for this fandom (and also kpop as a whole) so I'm a bit terrified. Please go easy on me! Updates for this will hopefully be weekly, or bi-weekly (depending on how quickly I finish writing the remaining 1/3 of this fic).
> 
> 📣 PSA!!! 
> 
> I do not claim to know anything about the members of ATTEZ (and specifically Kim Hongjoong and Park Seonghwa) other than what they show through their promotional materials. This is a work of fiction. I do not claim or believe this is an accurate portayal of their characters. Do not take this seriously, it is purely for entertainment purposes.

The last thing Hongjoong expects when he enters the little family restaurant he’s meeting his friends in is to see Park Seonghwa sitting amongst them smiling and laughing animatedly.But he's there, looking as good as he did the last time Hongjoong saw him face to face, almost 10 years ago.

He’s just barely through the door, hands still deep in his coat pockets to protect from the cold and as the initial shock settles in, he stands there, in front of the door and contemplates whether he should just make a run for it.

He’s not emotionally prepared for this to happen right now. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be emotionally prepared for this. But he’s frozen on the spot a little too long and his bright silver hair catches Yunho’s attention.

“Hyung!” Yunho exclaims, raising his hand in the air invitingly. Seven pairs of eyes turn to him simultaneously but only one of them matters in that moment.

Seonghwa’s gaze pins him to the spot. He can’t move his feet and the feeling that settles deep in his bones is so uncomfortable it makes him want to rip his skin off and replace it.

It’s a little funny, just how different of an effect the same gaze can have on a person. Hongjoong used to love when Seonghwa looked at him. It used to make his skin prickly in that nice way that makes one giggly and fidgety.

Hongjoong doesn’t feel any of those things right now. Seonghwa looks equally shocked to see him. Which isn’t surprising. His eyes are wide but after a moment, when Hongjoong doesn’t make a move, they harden. His brows frown and his lips form a hard line.

Hongjoong doesn’t like this at all.

“What are you waiting for? A special invitation? Get your ass here!” Wooyoung yells looking at him pointedly and it snaps Hongjoong out of his stupor.

He could, technically, still make a run for it. He’s sure his friends will understand. It’s too soon, it’s always going to be too soon, he can’t do this.

Hongjoong sits on the only empty chair in the small table in between Yunho and Jongho. Across him Yeosang sends him a small pitying smile.

“Took you long enough, your highness” Wooyoung says and pours him a shot of soju.

They’ve already ordered. There’s chicken, rice, fries and pickled radish on the table. That’s fine, Hongjoong had told them he’d be late and to order without him, even though he’s craving meat today.

“Sorry...work was a pain today…” he answers and he knows it’s not what Wooyoung is referring to. He’s grateful no one points it out.

He’s staring at the food a little too distractedly. Suddenly he’s aware he’s still wearing his jacket. He takes it off in a hurry and lets it rest over the back of his chair.

An uncomfortable silence falls over them. You can really cut the tension with a knife but San, bless him, claps his hands loudly drawing everyone’s attention to him and says “So! Wooyoungie and I finally went to that theme park we’ve wanted to go to forever!”

He looks so excited and it’s rubbing off on him, even though he still feels kind of awkward. He can’t help smiling a little.

“Was it fun?” Mingi asks at the exact same time Yeosang lets out a loud groan and rolls his eyes.

Wooyoung gives Yeosang the dirtiest side-eye and then directs his entire attention to Mingi, who looks like a kid on Christmas morning. “It.Was.Amazing.” Wooyoung says accentuating every word with a clap.

“We had so much fun! All of the rides were so fun! And the parade was so cute!” San cuts in looking equally excited.

“You were the cutest one there, Sannie'' Wooyoung says winking at his boyfriend and that elicits another loud groan from Yeosang that is cut off by another side-eye from Wooyoung.

San is blushing now. He smiles at himself in that shy way and looks down at his hands. 

Jongho bursts out laughing “Oh my God, you guys have been dating for like 5 years now, can you please get over the honeymoon phase already?” 

That makes everyone on the table laugh too.

Wooyoung shoots everyone half assed glares as San blushes more “Well, I’m sorry we’re the only ones in a healthy loving relationship here.” he says poking his tongue out teasingly.

It shouldn’t feel like a personal attack but it does. Hongjoong stiffens and he can feel a couple people look at him so he forces himself to laugh too “If you think being disgusting is a healthy relationship, sure”

“Well at least I’m not being fucked by a different guy every other week.” Wooyoung shoots back and it’s not like they haven’t had this exact same banter every time they meet but it’s different tonight.

Tonight it feels like a slap in the face. Hongjoong lowers his gaze trying to calm his heart. From his peripheral vision he can see Yunho give Wooyoung a disappointed look. 

It’s uncomfortably silent again. 

“I’m sorry, hyung” Wooyoung says in a small voice. Hongjoong feels so guilty. His friends shouldn’t have to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around him. They aren’t acting any different than they usually do so why can’t he also act like his normal self.

He takes a deep breath and makes up his mind. When he raises his head he has a broad smile that he hopes reaches his eyes enough.

“I’d be sorry too, if I were stuck only getting dicked by San for the rest of eternity” he says.

It’s like someone pricks a balloon with a needle. Everyone bursts out laughing. Yunho on his right is straight up busting a laugh. Jongho on his left is snorting so hard Hongjoong is worried he’ll choke. Even Yeosang is laughing, eyes squinted and face hidden behind his hands.

Wooyoung and San both look at him offended and disbelieving as smiles threaten to break out on their faces too.

Hongjoong doesn’t chance a glance to see what Seonghwa is doing but he doesn’t need to because he can hear him laughing too and the image of his laughing face is still fresh enough in his head to fill in the gaps.

_ Hongjoong exits his house in a rush. There’s a piece of bread hanging from his mouth, his tie is hanging loose on his neck and he's trying to run and put on his left shoe at the same time. _

_ A tall figure is waiting for him at the corner of the block and bursts out laughing when they see him. _

_ Hongjoong tries to fight off the blush that creeps on his neck and his face as he reaches the other. _

_ “Seriously, Joongie, are you ever going to wake up on time?” Seonghwa asks and Hongjoong only scowls at him around his bread. _

_ How dare he look so good at 8 in the morning? _

_ His slightly longer hair is styled out of his face and his uniform looks immaculate, as always. _

_ Even though Hongjoong is glaring daggers at him (albeit extremely half hearted ones), Seonghwa still has the audacity to smile down at him warmly. _

_ “Let me help you with that” Seonghwa says and he doesn’t wait for a response as he steps into the edges of Hongjoong’s personal space, not close enough to  _ **_feel_ ** _ but close enough to be conscious of. _

_ He grabs Hongjoong’s tie and proceeds to tie it for him. He’s still smiling as he does it and Hongjoong has to look away or he knows his heart will give out.  _

_ As Seonghwa takes suspiciously long to fix his tie for him, he busies himself with eating the bread. He has his head turned to the side, gazing over the empty road and he shoves the whole piece in his mouth and tries to chew it in one go. _

_ Seonghwa notices and laughs. The sound is soft and airy and it makes Hongjoong’s heart squeeze. “You know, you don’t have to stuff your face so full every time” he says and pokes Hongjoong on the cheek.  _

_ Hongjoong is thankful to every God in existence that he doesn’t choke on the excessive amount of bread in his mouth. He makes a show of chewing the bread and glares challengingly at Seonghwa again. _

_ Seonghwa’s face looks like it’ll split in two with how much he’s smiling. He pokes both of Hongjoong’s cheeks this time, lightly pinching them “You look like a hamster…” he says “...So cute” _

_ Something else flashes in Seonghwa’s eyes and Hongjoong processes they are entering dangerous territory. He quickly swallows his bread and swats at Seonghwa’s hands.  _

_ It’s like a spell is broken. That weird something in Seonghwa’s gaze disappears as he quickly takes a step back still smiling but smaller now. _

_ Seonghwa is always smiling when he’s with Hongjoong. _

_ “You’re one to talk.” Hongjoong says and checks his tie.  _

_ Seonghwa gasps loudly “What’s that supposed to mean?”  _

_ Hongjoong laughs “Have you  _ **_ever_ ** _ seen yourself eating, mr anaconda?”  _

_ Seonghwa frowns confused and Hongjoong can’t help the smile that takes over his own face as he makes a show of unhinging his jaw. _

_ Seonghwa looks equal parts amused and offended “Alright, first of all, I don’t look like that when I’m eating and second of all those aren’t anacondas, they are constrictor snakes.” _

_ “What do you mean?” _

_ “The ones that open their mouth really wide, they aren’t anacondas but constrictor snakes.”  _

_ Hongjoong rolls his eyes even though his smiling “Wow, you really aren’t fun, mr prefect”  _

_ “Oh I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware we were back in 5th grade” _

_ It’s Hongjoong who gasps this time, lightly punching Seonghwa on the arm. _

_ Seonghwa bursts out laughing again and this time Hongjoong joining him. _

_ He feels so light. So happy.  _

_ As he watches Seonghwa while they are walking he can’t help thinking it’d be nice if he could spend every morning like this. _

It’s surprisingly fast, how quickly they switch back to old habits. After the initial awkwardness, they quickly found the right rhythm again. The conversation moves lightly and naturally. They are laughing and joking around and it doesn’t feel any different than whenever Hongjoong goes out with his friends without Seonghwa.

It probably has a little to do with how he hasn’t directly addressed the older male at all, but if anyone else noticed they’ve let it slide and Seonghwa isn’t initiating anything personal either so who is he to take the first step?

“By the way” Wooyoung says after a beat of silence falls over the table “This year I’ll only be having one party for my birthday” 

The statement falls over them like a blanket. It doesn’t affect most of them. In fact it only affects two of them and Hongjoong is desperate to not feel too much like an outsider so he glances over at Seonghwa.

Seonghwa has the audacity to be smiling. He’s smiling at Wooyoung like this isn’t news to him, like this isn’t going to be utterly changing his plans and shaking his world.

Hongjoong feels a little lump from in his throat.

“It’s just, it falls on a Thursday this year and I wanna visit my parents with Sannie on the weekend so…” Wooyoung adds and it’s all excuses because for the past 7 years it’s never been a problem before.

He glances around the table. All his friends are adoring small smiles probably both from the previously jovial atmosphere and the light buzz of the soju. 

It dawns on Hongjoong that he could be the only one still stuck in the past. He knows that Seonghwa has made some attempts to invite him over (via extended invitations) a couple times over the past couple of years, but he always refuses, coming up with one excuse or another.

It’s not technically his fault it still hurts. Saying he isn’t over Seonghwa is almost a lie. It’s not like he misses him, or like he can’t go about his life without him, God knows it’s been long enough to not be an issue anymore.

There’s just...too many unresolved feelings. Too many unanswered questions, too many unaddressed things that they should probably go over before they jump back into being friends. And Hongjoong isn’t ready to address them all yet, because it hurts when he thinks about how he and Seonghwa ended. It hurts because he can’t help thinking about all the what-ifs.

And he does think of them. He thinks of them when he lays alone and cold on his bed unable to sleep. Or when he's had one too many to drink and he sees a happy couple walking down the street beside him. Or when he's grocery shopping and he notices Seonghwa's favorite brand of snacks in on sale. 

It's like a blessing and a curse all at once, because it's not like he wants to forget everything about Seonghwa and their relationship. To forget would be like denying it ever happened and it's the best thing that ever did happen to Hongjoong, so he could never allow himself to just brash it off. 

It'd be too hypocritical, even for him. Instead, he lets his mind wonder when it wants to, into uncharted, dangerous waters like a pirate ship whose captain is too greedy. And the more time passes, the less he thinks of it, but it's still there in the back of his mind, only resurfacing traitorously when he's at his lowest, his weakest. 

But maybe, in the past 7 years, while Hongjoong was stubbornly ignoring everything and pretending he was fine and shouldering through life like a man running out of time, maybe Seonghwa had taken the time to work through everything on his own time.

Maybe he’d reached the conclusion it was childish to force their friends to organize separate outings and celebrations so they wouldn’t run into each other.

Maybe he’d realized their friends had been getting tired of their bullshit and had decided to work to better himself instead of pretending he doesn't know what’s wrong.

Seonghwa has always been the more mature one after all.

And glancing around the table, Hongjoong realizes how far behind he is left once more.

So he does the one thing he knows to do best and shoves it all in the back of his head. He pretends like it’s all fine, even though he feels like the walls are crumbling around him.

With a voice that is more calm than he could give credit for himself he looks at Wooyoung frowning and says “And? Why are you telling us? It was about time you started saving some money from throwing all these parties…”

He can feel everyone on the table stare at him. He knows they are waiting for him to break but joke’s on them he’s had way too much practice on this faking it till you make it game to be outdone by them. 

Wooyoung’s face splits in a grin and he exclaims “Perfect! So I was thinking-”

Hongjoong doesn’t sit around to listen. He knows Yunho will fill him in on the important bits. He feels curious gazes on him and he makes a signal with his index and middle finger to indicate he’s going out of a smoke.

And if anyone thinks the timing is too suspicious, they don’t mention it.

_ “Just come with me, please” Hongjoong whines. He’s draped over Seonghwa’s desk giving him the best puppy eyes he can and effectively obstructing him from doing his homework. _

_ It’s lunch break and they have 2 free periods after because one of their teachers is down with a cold. It’s spring. It’d be such a shame to stay in school. _

_ Seonghwa sighs again from the uptenth time that hour and tries again to push Hongjoong off his desk. “Joong, you should stay and do some catching up work. It’s a perfect opportunity”  _

_ “But I don’t want to” Hongjoong whines again.  _

_ Seonghwa doesn’t look impressed and Hongjoong is a little offended he can’t make Seonghwa give in with his cute charms. Everyone knows he’s adorable. _

_ After a whole minute of silence, Hongjoong gives up, dramatically sliding off Seonghwa’s desk making as much of a mess as he can just because he can and letting out the loudest most obnoxious sigh. Wooyoung would be proud of him. _

_ “Fine” he exhales “I’ll go with someone else” he says as he makes a show of getting up and giving Seonghwa one last pleading look. _

_ If cuteness won’t cut it, maybe jealousy will? As if Seonghwa would be jealous of him…too much wishful thinking, Hongjoong. _

_ Seonghwa doesn’t acknowledge him at all. Hongjoong isn’t pretending to be sulking as he exits the classroom and makes his way to find his other friends. He spots Yunho sitting with Mingi, Wooyoung and Yeosang in the yard on the greenery.  _

_ He makes his way to them quickly. They all wave at him as they spot him. _

_ “Let’s go to the arcade!” he says instead of a greeting.  _

_ All four frown at him.  _

_ “Hyung, we have a test next period” Yunho says.  _

_ Unlike Seonghwa and him, the rest are a year younger and thus their schedules rarely match up. _

_ Hongjoong can’t fault them for this, but he also can’t help the pout that settles on his face.  _

_ “Okay” he says dejectedly and turns to make his way back to the classroom. He knows they are probably revising, if they have a test soon, so he doesn’t want to bother them.  _

_ He’s outside his classroom about to open the sliding door when a group of five girls approaches him. He recognizes three from being in his class. One is standing a little more forward than the others, significantly closer to him and is glancing between her shoes and Hongjoong. _

_ Hongjoong gets a bad feeling about this. _

_ “You’re Kim Hongjoong, aren’t you?” she asks. _

_ Hongjoong feels his stomach go into knots. Is he about to be confessed to? How do you let someone down without looking like an asshole?  _

_ He nods hesitantly.  _

_ She smiles at him and he bites his lip in anticipation. _

_ “So I was wondering…” she starts and already Hongjoong can feel his heart about to beat out of his ribcage, but not pleasantly “You’re friends with Park Seonghwa, aren’t you?”  _

_ His stomach drops. Of course this girl isn’t here for him. He’s more offended she has the audacity to approach him about Seonghwa than he is about not being the subject of her admiration. _

_ He frowns and sternly answers “I am.” _

_ His almost aggressive stance stunts her a little but her friends give her a literal and figurative push from behind and she regains her confidence. _

_ “So do you know if he’s seeing anyone right now?”  _

_ It’s such a simple, innocent question but it makes Hongjoong so angry.  _

_ “I don’t know anything. You should ask him yourself.” he says. It's on the verge of being too aggressive. _

_ She doesn’t back down this time around “I have...but you see, he keeps avoiding the question” she says gives him a wide eyed look. _

_ Hongjoong’s mood has been completely spoiled by that point. It’s really not his fault that he lets his full scowl show and barks “Then take a hint” before sliding the door open way more harshly than is allowed and making his way to his desk.  _

_ Just before he’s out of earshot he catches the girls saying “What is his problem?” _

_ He doesn’t look at Seonghwa at all. He opens his english homework and tries to get some work done but he’s so upset.  _

_ After a few minutes, he gives up and just lays on his desk, head resting over his folded arms and sleeps.  _

_ What is he even so mad for? It’s not like Seonghwa would be interested in her anyway….would he? _


	2. Fear

The cold hits his face instantly as soon as he opens the door. He’s still in the process of wearing his coat as he steps out.

He doesn’t stray far. He stops underneath a street light a little to the side of the restaurant and digs in his pockets for his packet of cigarettes and his lighter. 

He can feel the skin on his cheeks and around his nose prickling from the cold already and momentarily he curses himself for not wearing a scarf that morning.

The small fire illuminates his face as he takes the first drag of his cigarette and he lets it drag out as he exhales through his nose.

He watches the smoke, amplified from his visible breath, form a small cloud around him and slowly dissipate.

His head is going at 500km/h and he needs to calm down. 

He’s not even sure why the realization that not everyone around him is moving on in his pace (if you can even call what he’s doing moving on) shakes him so badly.

He understands it’s probably not easy for his friends, but it’s not easy for him either. He shouldn’t be feeling so bitter but as the cold settles in his bones his stomach grows tight and heavy with the ugly feeling.

Would it have been so difficult to let him know beforehand? To give him a warning? 

He knows that if they’d told him Seonghwa would be here, he probably wouldn’t have come. But is it really a good thing to force him in this situation?

Hongjoong was never greedy with his friends. He never made them choose between him or Seonghwa. Always tried to not make it too awkward for them whenever he’d be mentioned in passing.

Why couldn’t they just let him be? They didn’t have to go back to being friends. Hongjoong didn’t own them anything. 

He doesn’t realize he’s frowning until a voice calls out to him, startling him “If you keep frowning like that, you’re going to have wrinkles before you reach 30”

Hongjoong feels his heart stop beating and his blood freeze. At least, he thinks, if he dies now, he won’t have to talk with Seonghwa.

But he doesn’t. Instead he turns as nonchalantly as he can master and looks at the other man. He’s bundled up in a thick coat and scarf and looking at him expectantly.

He knows the ball’s in his court now. He can be an asshole and ignore the other, or he can try and make civil conversation with him or whatever.

He glances back into the store through the storefront window and sees their friends not subtly eyeing them.

He suppresses a sigh and directs his attention at Seonghwa “Wrinkles aren’t half bad” he says

Seonghwa visibly exhales and relaxes at the small peace offering, shoulders relaxing and shagging. He digs in his own pockets and pulls out a packet of cigarettes too.

Hongjoong watches him try to light a cigarette but his lighter isn’t working. He rolls his eyes and reaches for his own lighter “I thought models aren’t allowed to smoke” he says as he kicks the small machine to life and waits for Seonghwa to light his cigarette.

He knows the other man hasn’t worked as a model in years and he also knows it’d been hard on him when he finally decided to leave his dream behind, so it’s a calculated jab.

Seonghwa regards him hesitantly, eyebrows slightly frowned as he approaches Hongjoong’s lit lighter and takes a drag from his own cigarette, lighting it.

“Well, good thing I’m not a model then…”

Silence. Hongjoong doesn’t know what to say so he doesn’t say anything. He figures it’s better than trying to make useless small talk. They smoke without saying anything, it’s a weird mixture between being uncomfortable and relaxing and Hongjoong hates his heart for making him feel homely.

Seonghwa’s mere presence shouldn’t be enough to make him so comfortable and he shouldn’t be aware of how much he’d missed it.

It’s like going back to your childhood home after being away for too long. It feels relieving and nostalgic, almost everything is the same but everything is also different enough to give you an underlying feeling of unease.

Hongjoong focuses on Seonghwa’s breathing, the sound of him inhaling and exhaling from his cigarette and without noticing he tries to match his own breathing to the other’s.

“Smoking is bad for your health, you know” Hongjoong says without thinking. It catches him off guard cause he hadn’t meant to say it, but it catches Seonghwa off guard too. He barks out a laugh that he quickly silences and gives Hongjoong a disbelieving look.

Hongjoong bites the inside of his cheek and averts his gaze. When he doesn’t say anything, Seonghwa does “That’s rich coming from you…” he says motioning to Hongjoong’s cigarette.

It is rich…

“I’m just saying, it’s a shame because you didn’t start smoking until more than half way through university. What even is the point of that?” 

Seonghwa looks taken aback. A teasing smile takes over his features and he says “And how do you know when I started smoking?” 

It’s too much for Hongjoong, but he won’t let Seonghwa win, he won’t be the first to break.

He scoffs and says to Seonghwa in an equally teasing tone “Wooyoung wouldn’t stop complaining about it when you first started. I think it’s one of the top things I’ve heard him nagging about.”

Seonghwa’s smile has turned soft and warm as he watches Hongjoong and for a second Hongjoong feels like they are in highschool again, dancing around each other on hesitant steps, hiding behind meaningful looks and gestures.

He doesn’t want it to be like back then so he kills the smile that is blooming on his own face and gives Seonghwa a deadly stare.

Seonghwa’s confidence flatters. Maybe someone who hasn’t spent so many hours documenting every little microexpression on Seonghwa’s face and writing soliloquies for them wouldn’t notice.

But Hongjoong isn’t that someone and he instantly catches the way the corners of his smile go tight and his eyebrows slant ever slightly, like he’s unsure of himself.

It’s a double edged knife, knowing so much about someone but at the same time not knowing nearly enough.

He knows the way Seonghwa’s face scrunches when he’s deep in thought, how he has a habit of swaying when he feels comfortable or how his laugh looks pained sometimes but he doesn't know anything about Seonghwa from the past 7 years.

Similarly to himself, Seonghwa is a vastly different person now. The time they’ve spent apart creates giant chasms between them that Hongjoong isn’t ready to try and bridge.

So he keeps his face neutral and uninterested and chastises himself for feeling disappointed when Seonghwa takes the hint and drops the conversation.

Silence again. Hongjoong’s cigarette is almost done. Only one more drag. So he takes it and flicks it on the ground, stepping on it to put it out before making his way back inside.

Just as he’s about to open the door he hears Seonghwa say “I hope I’ll see you at Wooyoung’s party.”

_ Hongjoong knew that applying for a high school a little out of his district would mean he probably wouldn’t have as many acquaintances as he would have had if he went to the high school down the street from his house. _

_ Still, he hadn’t been expecting to be surrounded by a sea of strangers as he stands in the highschool courtyard, suddenly feeling unsure and insecure. _

_ He takes tentative steps forward, glancing around the crowd for any familiar faces but sees none. Has really no one else applied for this highschool? He knew at least two other boys from his old class that had also wanted to get in this one. _

_ Had they not made the cut? Or maybe they had decided last minute to not apply at all?  _

_ It’s the first time that Hongjoong really feels left out. It’s not like he doesn’t have any friends. He has more than enough friends...well, people he’ll hang out with, if they ask him and people to spend lunch together with… _

_ To be honest, all his real friends (Yunho and Mingi) are a year below him, so he’s left them behind in their middle school.  _

_ Maybe he should have flunked out a year so he could be with them… _

_ His mom would kill him, bring him back to life and then kill him again if he even considered the idea. _

_ There are many people around him. Most have already fallen into groups, some looking more comfortable than others. It’s the difference between new and old friendships, Hongjoong thinks. _

_ He glances around trying to see if anyone looks open enough to the idea of being approached by a stranger. Most of the people sitting alone are wearing headphones and playing with their phones. Hongjoong doesn’t feel confident enough to approach a whole group of strangers. _

_ He sighs. Maybe if he finds the class assignments he can try to make friends there… _

_ He walks into the large building and instantly sees a pretty large crowd swarming the notice board where the class assignments must be posted. _

_ Hongjoong tries to see over the crowd, to push through, tries to catch some of the attention of the people in the back to help him, but he fails. _

_ Then he hears a little snort from behind him. It’s not like he assumes it’s directed at him, but it’s close enough to catch his attention and he turns instinctively. _

_ He is met with the sight of the prettiest boy he’s ever seen, can you even call boys pretty? You must, because there are no other words to describe the face in front of him. He’s lean and tall, looking a little scrawny to be honest, but his face is like it’s been gifted by the Gods all doe-like and innocent looking. _

_ The boy stops laughing as soon as he notices Hongjoong staring and directs his big, round eyes at him. Hongjoong has a half hearted insult ready at the possibility someone was laughing at him, but it falls silent on his tongue as he stares back at the boy. _

_ They must stare at each other for a little while. It’s not uncomfortable or comfortable either. It’s tense and Hongjoong isn’t sure why.  _

_ “You’re Kim Hongjoong, aren’t you?” the boy asks and it catches Hongjoong off guard. He’s only able to nod in affirmation. _

_ The boy walks closer to him and Hongjoong feels his whole body seize but the boy stops when he’s beside Hongjoong, puts a hand at the middle of his back and helps him push through the crowd. _

_ He’s significantly taller than Hongjoong, who hasn’t hit a proper growth spurt yet, and he pushes through the crowd guiding Hongjoong’s smaller body with more ease. _

_ Once they are at the very front and Hongjoong’s eyeing the board, he feels the boy dip his head down as he whispers “I’m Park Seonghwa” _

Hongjoong is standing in the middle of the room where he keeps all his clothes only wearing underwear, and stares at all the hangers and racks of clothes like he wants to burn them.

Nothing feels right enough. What is that even supposed to mean? It’s just Wooyoung’s birthday party…

He sighs. Is it too late to cancel? To be fair, he’d wanted to cancel as soon as he heard Seonghwa would be there but he got caught in the game of pretending to be fine with everything and now it is probably too late.

He exits the little room and makes his way to his bedroom to grab his phone. He shoots Yunho a quick message and flops on his bed. His hair is still wet and it seeps into his blanket. 

Within a minute, his phone starts ringing. He groans and picks it up already knowing who it is.

“Hyung.” Yunho’s stern voice greats him and Hongjoong suppresses the need to sigh.

When he doesn’t say anything, Yunho does sigh. 

“Can’t you at least try?” Yunho asks and his voice is so disappointed it makes Hongjoong’s stomach form tight knots. 

“I-” Hongjoong doesn’t have any real excuse to give. He could whine about it being a Wednesday, how he has afternoon classes tomorrow, how he has a long shift in the evening, he could find a million excuses but he knows Yunho will see through all of them.

So he allows himself to be vulnerable in front of his friend for the first time in the past 7 years.

“I’m scared.” he says. Yunho inhales sharply. Tears are already threatening to spill from Hongjoong’s eyes and he puts his phone on speaker so as to not miss anything Yunho will say and presses on his eyeballs with his palms.

“Hyung” Yunho says after a beat of silence but doesn’t follow it up with anything.

“I know I shouldn’t be, I know what you’ll say, it’s been too long, why are you still caught up in this, I  **know** , okay? I just...I don’t know if I actually can do this”

Yunho stays silent again. Hongjoong hates this. This is the first time he’s tried to open up about his feelings and this is the response? 

Then Yunho’s voice cuts his thoughts off “I don’t understand how you feel” he says and it feels like a punch on the stomach.

He’s about to yell at Yunho but he beats him by saying “I’ve never been through anything similar to what you are going through, hyung and I’m scared of saying the wrong thing...but I don’t think time has anything to do with it. Who cares how long it’s been, your feelings matter.”

Hongjoong feels like a giant weight is lifted off his chest. He goes to speak again but apparently Yunho isn’t done.

“If you feel like you can’t do it, then you can’t do it. I’ll support you all the way, me and Mingi both will, forever. Alright? But I want you to really think about what’s actually important here. You aren’t doing this for Seonghwa-hyung, you’re doing this for Wooyoung. You know, they miss you...him and Yeosang, so...if there’s even a small possibility you could do this, please try...for them”

Hongjoong doesn’t know how to respond. He doesn’t know what Yunho means by ‘they miss you’, he sees them as often as he sees any of his friends…doesn’t he?

But Yunho is right. Wooyoung had looked so happy when he told them about the party, so excited. 

With renewed resolve Hongjoong pushes off the bed and makes his way back to the other room, not before he thanks Yunho.

He opens his text messages, the party invite sent via email is still as corny as it was 10 years ago, the first time Hongjoong had been invited to a birthday party by Wooyoung. The theme is sexy and Hongjoong has to roll his eyes, because of course it is.

He sends a message on the group chat asking all his friends how much they plan on sticking to the ‘dress code’ and gets various replies, from emojis (Jongho, Yeosang, Yunho), to lengthy descriptions (Mingi), to sexy selfies (San and Wooyoung).

Judging by all the messages put together, he figures he would be underdressed in anything but his absolute best. He stands and wonders if he really cares, then a separate message from Wooyoung catches his attention.

**From: Wooyoung**

Make sure to come looking extra delicious 😏😏✌️

**To: Wooyoung**

Why?

**From: Wooyoung**

👁️👄👁️

**To: Wooyoung**

What have you planned? 

I’m not dressing up just to humor you...😒🙄

**From: Wooyoung**

  1. I’m offended
  2. Just do it, you grandpa😤✊



**To: Wooyoung**

…

GRANDPA?! 😦😥

**From: Wooyoung**

I said what I said 🥱💅

Now

Trust me for once in your life

And come looking 💯HOT💯

Hongjoong laughs a little and lets his phone rest on the dresser as he glances at his clothes again. After talking with his friends, he’s feeling a lot more inspired, various outfit ideas already forming in his head.

His only worry now is how much does he want to trust Wooyoung?

A certain piece of clothing catches his eye and he smirks to himself. Why the hell not, he thinks? If he’s gonna subject himself to this, might as well do it while looking spicy, no?

Hongjoong’s life motto has always been ‘go big or go home’ after all.

_ “Wow, Kim Hongjoong, we’ve only been apart 2 weeks but look how much you’ve grown!” Seonghwa’s voice catches Hongjoong’s attention and he whips around half embarrassed and half offended at what the other had said. _

_ “I-” Hongjoong goes to yell at the other but Seonghwa cuts him off by laughing. _

_ Hongjoong falls silent, his heart skipping a beat. Seonghwa looks good, as always. He’s lost some weight and Hongjoong is wondering whether he is eating properly. _

_ “You laugh, but I grew a whole 3 centimeters!” Hongjoong argues once he regains himself. It only makes Seonghwa laugh harder. Hongjoong is finally hitting proper height growths. It’s not like he has many hopes he’ll grow to be as tall as Seonghwa or, God forbid, Yunho or Mingi, but at least he can stop feeling like a kid. _

_ “And I’m sure you’ll grow many more” Seonghwa says smirking teasingly at Hongjoong. _

_ Hongjoong slaps his shoulder and huffs “Whatever asshole” _

_ “Aww, Joongie don’t be so mean to me, I missed you!” Seonghwa basically coos as he attaches himself at Hongjoong’s arm. _

_ This is a relatively new development. They’ve been friends for a little over half a year now, but they grew close quickly mostly out of necessity but also out of compatibility. Once they were over the awkward first stages of friendship, Seonghwa had become extremely affectionate and teasing, an obvious contrast to the shy boy that would stumble over his words in the beginning. _

_ Hongjoong doesn’t have many friends in general, and from those he has even fewer that are affectionate like this. Hongjoong himself isn’t the biggest fan of it and he only really puts up with it when it comes to Yunho. _

_ But Hongjoong isn’t sure if Seonghwa and Yunho are the same in his head. Yunho is his oldest and dearest friend and Seonghwa is… _

_ “Don’t ignore me!” Hongjoong is snapped out of his trance by Seonghwa shaking him slightly, a big pout overtaking his features.  _

_ Hongjoong sighs “Whatever, I wasn’t the one who went to Jinju for spring break” _

_ Seonghwa frowns “My grandma missed me” _

_ For a moment Hongjoong feels guilty. His mind is going at 100km/h, thinking about how he could upset Seonghwa like that and knowing full well Seonghwa had wanted to hang out over spring break too. _

_ Then Seonghwa’s face splits in a big boxy grin again “Well, we’ll just have to hang out lots now, right?”  _

_ Hongjoong is taken aback. He can only nod and smile, himself, at Seonghwa's excitement.  _

_ Hongjoong is dragged into the building as Seonghwa starts going over his stay at his grandparents and how many places he wants to visit with Hongjoong now that he’s back _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it for this week!! 🎉🎉 Writing has been going very slowly the past week, because I got unexpectedly busy with uni and assignments, I will try to stick to the weekly updates for now, but I'll be sure to let you know of any changes in my schedule 😞✊
> 
> If you liked this chapter, please leave a kudos and a comment, if you want. They really make my day and motivate me to keep writing!! See you guys next week 💖💖💖


	3. Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! there is non explicit sexual content in this chapter at the end of the second part

Hongjoong arrives fashionably late. As soon as he enters the club, the stink of booze mixed with smoke and sweat assaults his nose and the deafening music pierces his ears.

He can’t help feeling excited as he notices people eyeing him as he makes his way through, looking for his friends. Wooyoung asked him to come looking his best and who is he to refuse the birthday boy?

Hongjoong is trying to peer over the crowd to find his friends, the large platforms giving him a slight advantage he doesn’t usually have but he still can’t find them. Which is unusual, because his friends are always eye-catching, be it because they look breathtaking or because they are being absolute clowns.

He pushes past a few more people squeezed between small tables and suddenly feels a hand rest at the small of his back. Thinking it’s one of his friends, he turns smiling but his face drops when he sees a stranger leering down on him.

“Where are you going beautiful?” he slurs and he smells like alcohol. Hongjoong gets a little nervous. This could end very badly and he really doesn’t want to cause a scene less than 5 minutes after arriving. 

He frοwns, trying to look as serious as possible, and says “Sorry, my friends are waiting for me.” 

The stranger also frowns and the hand on Hongjoong’s back tightens a little. Not a good sign, Hongjoong thinks.

“Can’t you stay a little and keep me company, pretty?” the man asks and Hongjoong has to stop himself from cringing away or worse punching the man.

“Please let me go. My friends are waiting for me.” He says again, this time his tone is threatening. From the corner of his eye Hongjoong sees another stranger from the same table put a hand on the man’s shoulder and whisper something in his ear.

The man scoffs and lets go of Hongjoong, who feels himself let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

As Hongjoong is about to leave, the man calls after him “Well, if you change your mind, I’ll be right here”. Hongjoong doesn’t acknowledge him further, instead pushing a little further in until he reaches the bar.

Once the bar is in sight, he can also see the VIP area behind it and, perhaps unsurprisingly, he also sees all his friends there, dancing and having what seems to be the time of their lives.

Wooyoung is dancing sexily with San in the middle of the somewhat enclosed space next to some more couples he doesn’t immediately recognize, even though he probably should. For whatever reason Jongho is arm wrestling Mingi while Yunho and Yeosang cheer them on, and on the couches behind them two people are seated having a conversation.

Hongjoong instantly recognizes one to be Seonghwa, but the other man he’s sure he’s never seen in his life before

It doesn’t affect him as much as he expected it to, seeing Seonghwa. He makes his way over to the steps leading to the VIP area. There’s a man there that holds a hand out to him, as if Wooyoung is some high profile celebrity or something.

Hongjoong sighs and tells the man he’s friends with the birthday boy but the man won’t let him in unless someone from the inside comes to get him. ‘Security precautions’ he says as if that explains anything, as if Wooyoung and his friends aren’t some lowly young adults that barely scraped by to pay for this.

Hongjoong raises both arms in the air and starts shaking them wildly. It catches quite a few people’s attention. For starters, Mingi sees him and immediately lets Jongho slam his fist to the table, making a show of losing like the clown that he is. 

Wooyoung has stopped dancing and is smirking down on him and he’s sure he can hear Jongho and Yunho barking. Hongjoong rolls his eyes and puts both his hands on his hips “Are you gonna let me in or should I go home?” he shouts to be heard over the music.

“Let us admire you some more, hyung!” Wooyoung screams back and Hongjoong huffs.

“You can admire me when I’m seated with a drink in my hand” he shouts back.

“I don’t know if that skirt would look as good, if you were sitting” Wooyoung shouts back laughing and Hongjoong is about to curse him within an inch of his life, but it seems the ‘security guard’ has finally realized these people actually know Hongjoong and he opens the stanchion, letting Hongjoong in.

Hongjoong stomps up the few steps to where his friends are and tries to look angry while they continue to wolf whistle and bark at him.

“God, you guys are insufferable, why am I here again?” he asks teasingly as he makes a bee line for one of the couches. He’s not in the mood to dance yet. 

He hears Wooyoung’s hyena laugh, someone says “cause you love us” but they all gradually go back to whatever they were doing before. 

Hongjoong sits on one side of a leather couch and goes to pour himself some vodka. 

“You dyed your hair” a voice catches him off guard and Hongjoong thanks the Gods he doesn’t actually spill any of the expensive liquor as he turns to look at Seonghwa.

He just stares at him, waiting to see if the other has anything else to say and when he doesn’t Hongjoong smirks and says “Well thanks for noticing, it’s been a few days” 

It’s actually been exactly 11 days. Hongjoong had gotten the dye job the day after their impromptu meeting at the chicken restaurant and had lied to all his friends that he’d been thinking about it for a while.

In reality, he’d planned on keeping the silverish white at least another couple of months, but changing his hair is one of his more mild ‘coping mechanisms’ and he likes the electric blue too.

Seonghwa opens his mouth to say something but Yunho comes into Hongjoong’s field of vision and pulls the older up to lead him away. Hongjoong goes without much fight.

Yunho starts dancing with Hongjoong next to Wooyoung and San, being a lot more child friendly than the idiot couple.

“Hyung, you look so good” Yunho shouts and Hongjoong laughs both because Yunho doesn’t need to shout to be heard and because of the genuine joy in his face.

“Do I?” Hongjoong asks, feigning innocence and batting his eyelashes at the other.

“Oh yeah, you look so hot” From behind him comes Wooyoung’s voice seconds before Hongjoong’s back comes into contact with the other man. They are both wearing insoles, it seems, but Hongjoong’s platform boots are taller than Wooyoung’s so they are eye to eye. 

Hongjoong throws his head back and rests it on Wooyoung’s shoulder laughing “Thanks” 

Yunho for a second manages to look flustered. Apparently, Wooyoung and him being violently homosexual is still a cause for wide eyes and small gasps. He’s honored. 

Wooyoung’s hands squeeze his waist and Hongjoong throws his hands up to grab Yunho by the shoulders pulling him in their weird little contorted human sandwich.

They dance through a few songs like that, sometimes Wooyoung slides in the middle and they even get Yunho in it once, although that looks way funnier than it looks sexy.

After what must be at least 15 minutes, San comes eyeing Wooyoung and Hongjoong has to laugh as he removes himself from one half of the idiot couple. He notices Yeosang also approaching.

Yeosang side eyes Wooyoung and San with disgust as they interlock almost instantly, are they making out, are they just dancing extremely close to each other, who knows?

Hongjoong motions Yeosang over with a smirk and he instantly understands Hongjoong’s intentions and joins him trying to suppress a smile. From the corner of his eye, Hongjoong sees Yunho joining Mingi and Jongho again amongst some more people. He also catches Seonghwa and the stranger he’d been talking with eyeing him. 

Yeosang puts his hands on Hongjoong’s hips and flips him around pulling him flat against his front instantly. Yeosang is far more daring than Yunho when it comes to dancing with other men.

Hongjoong leans into it laughing. They maneuver closer to Wooyoung and San and when they are close enough for the others to be conscious of them Hongjoong throws his head back, arcs his back and does the sluttiest dance he can without breaking out laughing.

Yeosang is also trying to keep it together, if his wavering grip is anything to go by, but he does a good job maintaining a straight face as he grinds lightly against Hongjoong.

It doesn’t take more than a minute before Wooyoung violently rips himself away from San and screams “Alright, I get it, please stop doing that!”

Hongjoong looks upward at Yeosang and they silently choose to totrure their friends a little more, simultaneously closing their eyes and dancing harder. 

Hongjoong can hear San making fake wrenching sounds and Wooyoung screaming something about his innocence and his eyes.

“I’m pretty sure your innocence was ruined ages ago” an unfamiliar voice sounds from their side and it snaps Hongjoong out of it, making him pull away from Yeosang instinctively.

He turns to see an extremely pretty and tall man standing behind them. He had addressed Wooyoung, but when Hongjoong turns, he finds the stranger staring directly at him. He recognizes him as the man Seonghwa had been talking with on the couch.

The overdramatic display of disgust stops abruptly as Wooyoung exclaims “Yeonjunnie!”

The other man, Yeonjunnie, doesn’t look at Wooyoung at all. Hongjoong feels rooted on the spot.

“Oh, Hongjoongie-hyung, this is Yeonjun, he’s a friend of mine” Wooyoung says excitedly as he comes next to Hongjoong and plasters himself on his side, then into Hongjoong’s ear he whispers “he actually asked me if you’d come”

Hongjoong looks at Wooyoung who is smirking at him obviously and doing a little dance with his eyebrows and realization flashes in his mind. Hongjoong wants to facepalm, he turns to Yeonjun to apologize for Wooyoung (as he’s so used to doing) but he doesn’t look flustered, instead he is smirking.

Wooyoung drags both San and Yeosang away leaving Hongjoong alone as Yeonjun approaches him carefully. 

“Would it be alright if we danced?” he asks and Hongjoong nods a little taken aback.

He keeps a safe distance between them and it makes Yeonjun visibly disappointed “You looked more comfortable with your friends” he says as he places a hesitant hand on Hongjoong’s side.

Hongjoong smirks, thinking about whether or not he wants to do this, at Wooyoung’s birthday party nonetheless…Surely, at least Wooyoung wants him to do this, if he’s reading between the lines correctly and it has been a  _ while _ before his last one-night stand.

Yeonjun is pretty tall but Hongjoong manages to glance over his shoulder at his friends. Yunho looks embarrassed, which isn’t new, but both him and Mingi send him supportive thumbs-ups. Wooyoung, San and Yeosang, on the other hand, couldn’t possibly be more obvious.

They are doing kissy faces and smirking at him. Hongjoong looks away as soon as Wooyoung mimics giving head. His eyes accidentally fall on Seonghwa, who’s now sitting completely alone on the leather couch.

Seonghwa is watching him, expression sombre, and something ugly forms in Hongjoong’s stomach.

What right does Seonghwa have to be looking so angry and jealous?

It’s what seals the deal for Hongjoong who directs his full attention back to Yeonjun. No more than a few seconds have passed.

“That’s because I know what their intentions are” Hongjoong answers him smirking.

Yeonjun lifts one elegant looking eyebrow “So will you let me come closer if I tell you mine?” he asks 

Hongjoong takes a step forward, placing a hand on Yeonjun’s chest “That depends” he purrs over the other’s ear.

At the figurative green sign, Yeonjun’s hands find his hips and pull him forward as he bends down to whisper into Hongjoong’s ear “And what would that depend on?” 

They’ve started rocking against each other to the rhythm. Hongjoong tilts his head backwards slightly, exposing his choker clothed neck and looks Yeonjun in the eye “Will you take me home tonight?” 

Hongjoong has always been bold with his one-night stands and he doesn’t see why he should pull his punches now. It’s never not worked in his favor, and it works in his favor once again as Yeonjun’s lips make contact with his neck. It’s enough to answer his question.

As Yeonjun works on leaving a very obvious hickey on Hongjoong’s neck, Hongjoong can’t help glancing back at Seonghwa, only to find him gone, his spot on the leather couch now empty.

He shouldn’t be feeling so disappointed. To drown out his traitorous thoughts he snakes his hands around the back of Yeonjun's neck, pulls at the hairs there and moves Yeonjun into a deep kiss-turned-make-out-session.

It doesn’t feel as good as he hoped it would. He still keeps dancing with Yeonjun for a long time.

At some point, he gets the urgent need to pee, the alcohol catching up to him...he hasn’t been pacing himself. He maneuvers his way around sweaty bodies as he makes his way to the club bathroom. A place that even in his inebriated state he has to stop and scowl at when he walks in.

He’s not sure how or why, his memories getting a little blurry after he’s entered the bathroom, but he supposes Yeonjun and he find their way back to his apartment. The faint memory of bodies coming together and the familiar soreness in his body being enough of a clue about how his night ended up.

However, his bed is empty and cold when he wakes up at the early hours of the morning and Hongjoong, for the first time in a while, feels truly lonely. His heart aches as he stares at his ceiling naked under the covers of his bed and he’s overcome with a feeling he’s never really felt before after a one-night-stand...regret.

_ Hongjoong never thought he’d get this far with Seonghwa. Every single day is more and more exciting as they explore their tentative feelings for each other. _

_ Hongjoong had accidentally confessed one night after Seonghwa and he had tried soju in Seonghwa’s house. His parents had been away on a business trip and his older brother had arranged a sleep-over at some friend’s house. _

_ So it had been the perfect opportunity for them to have their own little sleep-over. They’d of course also invited Yunho, Mingi, Wooyoung and Yeosang too, the six of them having formed a very close friendship after the younger four had joined them in highschool. _

_ Seonghwa had persuaded his older brother, who ιs over age, to get them some booze and they’d all ended up tipsy on the living room floor, before Yeosang had departed saying his parents hadn’t actually let him sleep over. _

_ Wooyoung had complained and whined about how ‘the whole point of a sleepover, is you actually get to  _ **_sleep over_ ** _ ’.  _

_ Mingi and Yunho had fallen asleep first, Seonghwa letting them sleep in his parents’ bedroom, as they’d both been feeling quite sick. _

_ Then it was just Seonghwa, Wooyoung and Hongjoong, an even bet on which one of them would clock out first, in his opinion. Hongjoong’s head was spinning and moving any of his limbs felt like a chore. He was sitting against the couch on the floor with his head tilted backwards, laying on the soft sofa cushion. _

_ Seonghwa was sitting next to him in a similar position, body turned towards Hongjoong’s direction, one arm tucked under his head as he lay. Wooyoung was laying on the couch mumbling incomprehensibly and moving his arms, hitting Hongjoong on the head every so often. _

_ Suddenly, Seonghwa started giggling. Hongjoong turned to look at him without moving his head much and frowned “What’s so funny?” he asked. _

_ He could hear his own words struggling to come out. Seonghwa didn’t answer him. Instead, he reached out with his free arm, still giggling, his hand stopping in front of Hongjoong’s face but not quite reaching it. _

_ “Why are you so far away?” Seonghwa asked, having stopped giggling, now a sad but adorable frown-pout combo taking over his face. _

_ Hongjoong also giggled at the sight. Something about it looked so funny and he was so giddy, he couldn’t help himself. “Are you a kid, or something?” he teased. _

_ Seonghwa’s pout deepened and he averted his gaze, looking down at his folded lap, sulking. _

_ Hongjoong huffed in amusement and tried to get up. “Yeah, I think it’s time to get you to bed” he said. _

_ Seonghwa didn’t look at him. Hongjoong scoffed at his direction and placed his hands under Seonghwa’s armpits as well as he could to force him to get up. It was a bad idea, both of them stumbling and falling backwards on the couch over Wooyoung, who let out a loud groan and looked at them like he’d forgotten they were there. _

_ Hongjoong tried to apologize, but Wooyoung simply closed his eyes and went back to sleep. Hongjoong remembers thinking ‘wow, alcohol is really impressive indeed’. _

_ At least, their little stunt had sobered Seonghwa up ever so slightly and he attempted to get up himself, shooting Hongjoong an apologetic look. Hongjoong had smiled at him sweetly and taken his hand to lead him to his own bedroom. _

_ “You are being a real handful right now” Hongjoong had complained half-heartedly as he pushed Seonghwa on his bed and then gone to leave. A hand reached out and grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him back. _

_ Hongjoong lost his balance as the back of his knees hit the bed and he ended up sitting on it. He gave Seonghwa a questioning look, raising one eyebrow. _

_ Seonghwa smiled at him “Stay here” he said _

_ “Here?!” if Hongjoong hadn’t been drinking and his face didn’t already feel so hot, he’d definitely end up looking like a strawberry. _

_ Seonghwa nodded clumsily. _

_ “I can’t stay here…” Hongjoong said uncertain _

_ “Why?”  _

_ “You...You’re here…” _

_ “And?” _

_ “Are we gonna sleep on the same bed?”  _

_ Seonghwa had closed his eyes, but his hand still held onto Hongjoong’s wrist.  _

_ “Yeah” he answered after a soft moment of silence.  _

_ Hongjoong felt his breath hitch in his throat. _

_ “Where else would you sleep?” Seonghwa asked, cracking one eye open to look at Hongjoong. _

_ Hongjoong took a moment to think about it. “I could sleep on the couch” he’d said _

_ “Wooyoung’s on the couch…” Seonghwa had answered “and Mingi and Yunho are in the other room, there’s no other place for you to sleep other than...my bed…” Seonghwa had added looking sternly. _

_ He had a point, Hongjoong thought with his alcohol ridden mind. It made sense, since there apparently was no other place available...so he nodded at Seonghwa and slipped in bed with him, laying opposite him, one arm tucked under his head and his other hand laying between them, Seonghwa still holding on to it. _

_ Even after they'd wake up the next morning all sobered up, Hongjoong would still not mention that he could have just slept on the floor or even on Seonghwa's brother's bed, if push came to shove.  _

_ Seonghwa had smiled so wide, Hongjoong was scared his face would split in half. Was sleeping together something to be so happy about?  _

_ “God, you are so pretty.” Seonghwa exclaimed, closing his eyes again. _

_ Hongjoong felt his whole face heat up even more. “ _ **_I’m_ ** _ pretty? Have you ever looked in a mirror?” he joked, but his voice came out rushed and frantic. _

_ Seonghwa opened his eyes again, he seemed to be having trouble keeping them open. “You think I’m pretty?” _

_ “You’re the prettiest person I’ve ever looked at” It was supposed to come out as a joke, but it sounded much more serious and sombre than Hongjoong had wanted. _

_ The reality of the conversation hit both boys at the same time, their eyes widening in sync. It’d be comical, if Hongjoong wasn’t panicking so much at the moment. _

_ He tried to pull away, to get up, to leave and hide, but before he could Seonghwa pulled him closer again and said “I wanna kiss you” his voice dead serious, no joking tone like all the other times he’d said it to Hongjoong. _

_ And Hongjoong is only human, so all he could do was whisper a half broken “Please” before he felt Seonghwa’s hesitant lips on his.  _

_ That had been a little over 3 months ago. Their 100 day anniversary is this Saturday and Hongjoong has been so excited he’s losing sleep over it.  _

_ To his credit, the more days pass, the more excited Seonghwa looks too. It’s not like they’ve progressed a lot, but even these small baby steps feel so large and scary to Hongjoong.  _

_ Their first kiss where they were both of sound mind, the first time Seonghwa reached down to hold his hand in public, the reassuring smiles and touches, it all makes Hongjoong’s heart shake and go pit-a-patting.  _

_ Most of it isn’t even that different from how they’d normally been acting around each other, apart from the kissing and occasional making out, but just the knowledge that they are different now makes Hongjoong go weak at the knees. _

_ He wakes up on Saturday morning before his alarm goes off and he basically shoots out of bed, tripping over his blanket and almost falling on his face in his haste. _

_ He looks out the window and the light autumn weather is just perfect. He takes a shower and spends way too long picking out an outfit. At 10.50am on the dot he exits his house, yelling back at his mom that he’ll be going out and not waiting for a response. _

_ He basically sprints down the few meters to the intersection where Seonghwa always waits for him and feels his face split in a grin when he spots him. _

_ He looks so good, as always, soft brown bangs cover his face and he’s wearing a large levanter cardigan over his thin white shirt. He looks so soft Hongjoong feels like he’ll pass out. How can one person look so cute? Park Seonghwa should be illegal, Hongjoong thinks. _

_ As soon as Seonghwa spots Hongjoong skipping towards him, his face also slips in a wide grin, his eyes scrunching up in joy. Hongjoong barrels onto him and wraps his arms around Seonghwa in a brief hug before he pulls away still smiling at the other. _

_ Seonghwa stays a little closer than necessary, one arm hanging loosely from Hongjoong’s waist as he checks their surroundings for anyone in the immediate vicinity. When he’s satisfied no one seems to be around, he dips quickly and presses a small peck on Hongjoong’s lips, who giggles and slaps his chest. _

_ “Not in public” he whines, but there’s no bite to it and Seonghwa knows too. _

_ They start walking, holding hands until they reach the more populated streets and they pull away from each other enough to not look suspicious. Hongjoong doesn’t mind that much, it’s not like he expected some drama-esque love story where they go around being disgustingly lovey-dovey in public. _

_ Their first stop is a little cafe where they’re getting early lunch. They arrive at around 11.30am and find a table in the back corner of the shop to have as much privacy as possible. _

_ Seonghwa gets some cute looking pancakes, that he spends way too long taking pictures of for his instagram, while Hongjoong gets a chicken and egg sandwich and a smoothie. He goes to bite into it as soon as it arrives, but Seonghwa sends him a threatening glare until he puts it back down and lets Seonghwa do his little ‘foodoshoot’.  _

_ They play footsie under the table and try not to be too obvious as they feed each other from their respective lunches. Seonghwa goes on to tell him something about his parents leaving early today to go visit his grandma in Jinju after she’d gotten sick suddenly. _

_ Hongjoong smiles reassuringly at him and holds his hand when he thinks Seonghwa is getting too upset. _

_ Their next stop is the arcade next to the cinema. They have a little time to kill before their 4.30pm screening of whatever movie Seonghwa had chosen that week. It’s not like Hongjoong would stay awake for it anyway.  _

_ Hongjoong obliterates Seonghwa at some shooting game and then gets dunked on when they play basketball.  _

_ “It’s cause you’re too tiny to reach all the way to the hoop” Seonghwa teases him as Hongjoong pouts overdramatically.  _

_ They are on their way to the screen room, Seonghwa places a hand on the small of his back and pulls him close quickly leaning down to whisper in his ear “You look so cute” _

_ Hongjoong swats him away blushing like a fool and glares at Seonghwa, who just laughs at him. _

_ Just as every other movie date they’ve had, Hongjoong falls asleep in the first 20 minutes of the movie, head resting on Seonghwa’s shoulder and drooling lightly on his cardigan. _

_ He is woken up just as the credits are about to finish, noticing the rest of the large room is empty and Seonghwa is smiling down at him. _

_ “One day, I’m going to pick a movie you’ll actually watch” he says but his voice is soft and his eyes are fond.  _

_ “Highly unlikely” Hongjoong chimes smiling back at his boyfriend as he gets up “my mom says even as a child, I’d always be out like a light before the first quarter was over” _

_ Seonghwa laughs softly and holds Hongjoong’s hand as they exit the room. There aren’t many people around anymore in the hallway leading to the entrance.  _

_ They let go again, when they see larger crowds of people ahead. It’s almost 6.30pm and Seonghwa asks Hongjoong what he wants to do next. _

_ “I don’t know….what are my options” he asks, smirking at Seonghwa mischievously.  _

_ Seonghwa rolls his eyes and licks over his bottom lip, Hongjoong’s eyes following the movement hypnotized “You could go home” Seonghwa answers and it takes a moment for Hongjoong to process it. Once he does, he looks betrayed at Seonghwa. _

_ Seonghwa bursts out laughing “I was just kidding, I was just kidding”  _

_ The streets are much more crowded in the afternoon, Hongjoong almost fearing he’ll lose Seonghwa in the sea of people, but Seonghwa slips his hand in his and keeps leading them. _

_ Hongjoong looks at Seonghwa, who’s looking calmly ahead, then around them. No one seems to notice their clasped hands hidden by all the bodies they are moving around.  _

_ He feels a little smile on his face and he squeezes Seonghwa’s hand once, Seonghwa squeezing back comfortingly. _

_ “We could go get dinner…” Seonghwa says “Or we could go to my place” he adds and glances at Hongjoong from the corner of his eyes.  _

_ Hongjoong smirks “And go hungry?” he asks, feigning he hadn’t understood Seonghwa. _

_ Seonghwa shoots him an unamused look “We can order in” he says blankly and Hongjoong doesn’t have it in him to keep pushing.  _

_ He smiles up at Seonghwa and leans into his side “I guess we could order in…” _

_ (TW!Non explicit sexual content ahead) _

_ That’s how they find themselves on Seonghwa’s bed, Hongjoong on his back with the other hovering over him as they kiss. They’ve gotten good at that by now. Hongjoong feels Seonghwa’s tongue slide over his bottom lip and he opens his mouth instantly. _

_ They make out for God knows how long; long enough for their lips to start tingling. Hongjoong’s hands find themselves on Seonghwa’s back, pulling him closer and also grounding him. Seonghwa has slipped one leg between Hongjoong’s, his arms supporting him on either side of Hongjoong’s head. _

_ They break apart to breathe at some point, Hongjoong panting lightly. He has his eyes closed still. He feels Seonghwa kiss the corner of his mouth, then his jaw, then his lips attach themselves on Hongjoong’s neck.  _

_ It’s experimental, a barely-there touch, but it sends shivers down Hongjoong’s spine and he arcs his chest into the other boy. Seonghwa, satisfied by the response, does it again, this time more confident. _

_ Hongjoong’s hands slip into Seonghwa’s hair as the other nips and bites at his neck. Hongjoong likes this so much, he feels his toes curling. He bends his knees on instinct, but it’s a big mistake.  _

_ His crotch drags over Seonghwa’s positioned thigh, the movement making it apparent he’s getting aroused. Seonghwa stops instantly, head shooting up to look down at Hongjoong. _

_ Hongjoong feels dizzy. He doesn’t want Seonghwa to stop, so he pulls him from his shoulders. _

_ Seonghwa doesn’t come down willingly, how Hongjoong expects him to. Instead he says “Joongie, I need you to tell me you don’t want to stop right now” _

_ Hongjoong opens his eyes shocked, instantly looking into Seonghwa’s equally frightened and excited ones.  _

_ This is further than they’ve ever gone before, but it doesn’t feel bad. Hongjoong thinks about it for a second, biting his bottom lip that’s already swollen and reddened.  _

_ “Do you?” he asks Seonghwa. The other takes in a deep breath and shakes his head ‘no’ hesitantly. _

_ Hongjoong smiles, “Good” he says as he pulls Seonghwa down again “Cause I don’t want to either”  _

_ They end up huffing and puffing in each other’s arms as they give each other messy, clumsy handjobs. When they are done they are laying on Seonghwa’s bed, Hongjoong’s head resting on the other’s chest. Both their lips are kiss bitten and bruising and Hongjoong feels so content and satisfied, he’s sure nothing will ever top this moment. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowie, this chapter, huh...I still can't believe I wrote this, it's extremely self indulgant. Cue in Yeonjun always acting like the middleman in these fics, what's up with that, huh?  
> Anyways, if you liked this chapter please leave a kudos and a comment, if you have the time. They keep me motivated and generally lift my spirits (and God knows I need that with how uni has been going...) Thanks for reading, and I'll see you guys in a week!


	4. Confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW! Implied/referenced homophobia in the second part

Morning comes way too soon. After waking up at around 5am alone on his bed, Hongjoong just lays there staring at his ceiling as a few tears slip from his eyes down his temples and onto his pillow.

He falls asleep again, although he’s not sure exactly when, and is woken up a little past noon by the loud sound of his phone ringing. He groans and rolls over in bed, still naked and feeling absolutely gross. His head hurts way too much for the phone to be ringing this loudly.

Looking around the room with bleary squinted eyes he spots his phone laying on the floor next to his pants and his half skirt. He pulls himself out of bed, not bothering to cover himself and sees Wooyoung’s caller ID. 

Hongjoong frowns, what could Wooyoung want at this hour after a night out, he wonders? In his slowness with getting out of bed picking up the phone the ringing stops and a notification that he has one missed call shows up on his lockscreen.

Hongjoong sighs. He considers calling back, but he’s really not in the mood to talk with Wooyoung right now and his brain rationalizes that if it’s something important he’ll call back. He spots a pair of almost dirty sweatpants strewn over a chair and he pulls them on without wearing underwear, since he’ll be showering later. 

He goes to the kitchen, his body feeling a little too sore as he tries to move. Just how hard did he go last night? Is he an idiot? His head is pounding so hard he can almost feel the vibrations in his skull. 

With a suppressed sigh he digs in his medicine cabinet for some painkillers and hangover medicine. He’s definitely too old for this shit, he thinks, as he swallows the paracetamol and is startled by his phone ringing again. 

A little bit of water spills from his mouth on his chest and he tries really hard not to roll his eyes. He’s feeling uncharacteristically irritated and his mood only worsens when he sees Wooyoung’s ID on his screen again, although he can’t quite put his finger on why.

A small bitter part of him thinks he should just continue ignoring him, however a larger more logical part of his brain worries that he’s calling two times in a row. Something could have happened...so before he has time to think too much about everything he swipes left and presses the phone to his ear.

“Goodmorning, princess!” Wooyoung’s voice comes through the speaker but it’s more sombre and muted than usual.

Hongjoong simply grunts back and makes his way back to his bedroom slowly.

“So, I don’t know what state you’re in, but Yeosang and I are meeting at Berlin at 1, be there. No excuses” Wooyoung says just as Hongjoong flops on his bed and before he has time to answer Wooyoung hangs up.

As soon as the call ends, his phone is bombarded with messages from both Wooyoung and Yeosang about their “lunch date”.

Under normal circumstances, Honjoong would just ignore the, frankly, obscene request, but something in Wooyoung’s voice had told him this was more serious than he was trying to let on. Worry eats away at his stomach slowly and he finds himself getting out of bed and heading towards the bathroom to shower and freshen up, even though he hadn’t planned on moving from his spot on the bed at least until dinner time.

His headache isn’t letting up at all either, and his mood is worsening by the minute. All the negative feelings he has from last night mixed with the worry from Wooyoung’s phone call make for a really long shower. Hongjoong just stands in the shower with his head hung low as the warm water flows over him, helping his muscles relax and his headache ease the tiniest bit. 

Magically, he feels a little better once he walks out of the shower, and his mood improves more once he puts on clean underwear and cleans up last night’s mess a little. Amongst his strewn around clothes Hongjoong finds a silver flip lighter with a little engraving on the side that he can't understand. 

He dresses casually in jeans and a large cardigan and steps out of the apartment at 10 minutes to 1. Berlin isn’t that far from his house and he also feels like he’s allowed to be a little late considering he’d literally just woken up when Wooyoung had called.

He arrives outside the cafe and spots his friends through the window instantly. They are sitting on a small table next to each other and their expressions are dark and serious as they discuss something.

Hongjoong’s worries amplify. Something did happen last night. With how much he’d drunk, he can’t quite remember and it only makes him more nervous. Only the beginning of the night is mostly clear in his mind, but even there are parts that are too blurry for him to remember. He knows for a fact that nothing out of the ordinary happened then, so when?

Perhaps after he left...had he actually misunderstood Wooyoung’s intentions for introducing him to that friend of his? Impossible. If Hongjoong is sure about anything, it’s that at the very least hooking up with Yeonjun had been what Wooyoung had wanted for him.

Which isn’t to say that’s the only reason he did it, but the more he thinks about it Yeonjun isn’t even really his type and, had he been cruising himself, he’d have turned him down. Hongjoong’s heart clenches a little at the realization.

It’s not like him to do something he doesn’t want, so why had he gone along with Wooyoung and Yeonjun last night? 

As he takes a seat across from his friends, who immediately stop conversing and look at him, he ignores the part in his brain that answers that question for him. He isn't going to be thinking about Seonghwa today, he already feels foul enough.

“So, you’ve finally shown yourself” Wooyoung says. It’s obviously an attempt at a joke, but his eyes are serious and it comes out sounding more accusatory than anything else.

Hongjoong sends him an unsure smile. He is reminded of Yunho’s statement from early last evening. “It’s been a while since it’s been just us” he says as realization washes over him.

His friends' eyes soften a little at that. Wooyoung’s mouth presses in a thin line. Yeosang averts his eyes. Hongjoong feels strange, like a kid caught doing something they shouldn't have by their parents. He feels the half assed smile he has on slip and his eyebrows frown.

They sit for a moment in silence. Hongjoong is too scared to ask them what’s wrong, even though he isn’t sure why. In an attempt to ease the mood and maybe get them off whatever unspoken subject is currently hanging over them he digs in his jeans pocket and procures the item he’d picked up from his floor.

He hesitantly places it on the table and looks at Wooyoung “Give this back to your friend, Yeonjun. He must have dropped it on his way out.” he says and chuckles because he feels so awkward. 

Wooyoung and Yeosang both stare at the little metal lighter like it’s the most offensive thing they’ve ever seen. “My friend Yeonjun…” Wooyoung repeats and slowly reaches over to take the lighter.

“Well...yeah?” Hongjoong answers

“Is that who you went home with last night?” Yeosang asks. His voice is stern and his eyes cold as he leans back on his chair arm folded over his chest.

Hongjoong feels his blood freeze. He stops twiddling with his thumbs and stares at his friends wide eyed. “What do you mean?” he asks in a small voice.

At his surprise, Wooyoung’s and Yeosang’s eyes soften again and they sigh. 

“How much of last night do you remember?” Wooyoung asks desperately.

Hongjoong takes a moment to think about it. Tries to wreck his brain for more information but ultimately he can only really remember up to going to the bathroom and even that's spotty and blurry. So he tells them so.

Both Wooyoung and Yeosang sag at his admittance. They look at him more sad than accusatory now. Hongjoong doesn’t like it more. 

“You never came back from the bathroom, hyung” Wooyoung says, his voice small and shaky. 

Hongjoong visibly pales “I what?”

“You left to go to the bathroom and never came back” Yeosang says more sternly “At first we were worried, but then you texted Yunho something and he told us you’d left with someone”

“Although he didn’t say with who” Wooyoung adds and his eyes fall again on the lighter sitting on the table.

Guilt washes over him like the summer rain that comes unexpectedly and catches you off guard. Hongjoong can only stare at the lighter too. He doesn’t know what to say.

“Who did I leave with then?” he asks softly. This is so unlike him, he even surprises himself. Sure he sleeps around a lot but he never just…forgets who he went home with. 

Wooyoung is still staring at the lighter. There’s an unreadable expression on his face. He opens his mouth to speak but Yeosang cuts him off before he can make a sound “We don’t know”

Wooyoung sends Yeosang a wide eyed look, but Yeosang is still sitting staring at Hongjoong with that unwavering stare of his. Hongjoong feels his stomach tie in knots. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Wooyoung obviously disagrees, but there is such a tone of finality on Yeosang’s voice that it puts an effective end to the conversation.

“Anyway” Yeosang adds, diverting his attention to the general area of the cafe searching for something with his eyes “Let’s drop it then, we thought you’d left Yeonjun hanging on purpose, but I guess it’s a misunderstanding” he spots the waitress and waves her over.

Hongjoong feels at a loss of words. Wooyoung is still staring at Yeosang like he’s grown two heads. “I didn’t do it on purpose” Hongjoong says. Wooyoung turns to look at him, his usual spark returning to his eyes a little “but…” he trails off

Wooyoung frowns at him “but what, hyung?”

They are interrupted by the waitress. Yeosang motions to Hongjoong to order. He gets a herbal tea and something to munch on, because he’s too old to push through hangovers by only drinking coffee and sheer stubbornness.

As soon as she leaves, Wooyoung asks him again. Hongjoong doesn’t necessarily feel guilty about what he tells him but it’s still not a pleasant experience either “but I don’t think I’d like to resolve that misunderstanding” he says

Wooyoung frowns at him “What do you mean?”

“I...your friend isn’t really my type. I thought I’d give it a try because you looked so excited but I don’t want him to get his hopes up either…”

Wooyoung’s mouth forms an ‘o’ as he hears Hongjoong explain “Hyung, if you didn’t like him, you shouldn’t have pushed yourself” he says sternly “It’s fine, I’ll tell him you aren’t interested” he adds looking a little guilty.

“No, no! I didn’t push myself! I said I wanted to give it a try, didn’t I?” Hongjoong scrambles to expel Wooyoung’s guilty pout and thankfully succeeds. 

“Well, guess it can’t be helped. At least you tried” Wooyoung answers finally smiling. 

Hongjoong also goes to smile but Yeosang’s voice cuts through the air “It’s not a big deal, since you tried for Wooyoung” he says.

Hongjoong looks at him shocked, but the look on Yeosang’s face is too knowing to try and add anything, so he just laughs it off. Why does Yeosang have to be so perceptive? Hongjoong doesn’t even want to know how much he’s actually caught on about last night.

A chill runs down his spine as he considers the possibility Yeosang also knows who he went home with last night. That reaction had been way too suspicious, but Hongjoong is too tired and hungover to push further, so he lets his friends change the conversation.

Instead he focuses on having a good time and enjoying himself. It really had been too long since he’d hung out with Wooyoung and Yeosang alone, even though he always invites Yunho and Mingi out.

It wasn’t intentional, he likes to think, but he still feels a little guilty about it. ‘they miss you’ Yunho’s voice rings in his head. At least, they fall into conversation easily. The mood lifts and they soon find themselves joking around and laughing at anecdotes as they catch up with each other’s lives.

_ Their relationship isn’t perfect. Hongjoong wouldn’t even be able to imagine what a perfect relationship would look like. But they’re still going almost a year later, after coming outs and college entrance exams, so he is inclined to believe there aren’t many things they can’t overcome together. _

_ That is until Hongjoong gets a letter that his application for scholarship was not approved. Seonghwa tries to comfort him, telling him it’s fine, he can always try again, he already tried his best, not to worry. _

_ Hongjoong knows that without the scholarship his family can’t afford the student loans and tuitions. They are still paying back his older brother’s student loans after all. The talk with his parents is a lot more calm and realistic than he’d imagined it. They mutually agree Hongjoong can’t go to college for now, he’ll stay home, find a part time job and retake the exams next year, hopefully with more success. _

_ That’s all well. Hongjoong understands it’s the only way. He doesn’t want to be a burden to his parents so he agrees easily and pushes all the bad thoughts away for when he’s alone with Seonghwa and allows himself to cry. _

_ Seonghwa isn’t much better off, but he’d managed to get a half scholarship and convince his parents he can juggle school and work at the same time. At first they don’t argue over it, why would they? They are old enough to not be looking at life through rose colored glasses.  _

_ So what if they’d made grand plans to move away together, to rent a small apartment together and wake up every morning next to each other? Even if at times it was the only thing motivating them to keep pushing forward, it feels too bitter to mourn it so soon. _

_ They comfort each other throughout summer, taking advantage of the time they have left together to do everything they couldn’t do due to the high pressure during their final school year. They go on more dates, spend more time in each others’ houses and even organize a beach trip with the rest of their friends. _

_ Hongjoong feels his stomach tie in knots any time he thinks their time is numbered. Sometimes it feels like they’re struggling against a running hourglass. So he keeps smiling and he keeps nodding along when Seonghwa tells him this won’t be what breaks them. _

_ “Next year you’ll pass the exam and get the scholarship and I’ll already have space ready for you in my closet, Joongie, you’ll see” Seonghwa keeps telling him. _

_ And Hongjoong believes him. Because he has no reason not to. Seonghwa has never broken a promise before. _

**_From:_ ** **_💖 My star 💖_ **

_ I’ll be there in 10 _

_ Get ready _

**_To: 💖 My star 💖_ **

_ what??? _

_ whyyy?? _

_ … _

_ Seonghwa!! _

_ get ready for what???  _ 🙀👀

**_From:_ ** **_💖 My star 💖_ **

_ just get ready  _

_ it’s a surprise  _ 😇😏

_ be there is 5  _

_ Hongjoong jumps out of bed leaving his phone behind and runs to the bathroom. He checks if his hair looks too dirty, he took a shower the day before but not yesterday because he was too lazy. He regrets it now. _

_ He knows he won’t be ready in 5 minutes so he just decides to do whatever. He takes off all his clothes and jumps in the shower. It must be the fastest shower he’s ever taken in his life. He grabs the first towel he sees, makes sure his body isn’t too wet and then wraps it around his head.  _

_ He dashes back to his room with his eyes closed, because in his hurry he didn’t grab a change of clothes with him and he doesn’t want to run into his mom naked. Only after he pushes through the door, the thought Seonghwa could have arrived already passes through his head.  _

_ Thankfully, his room is empty when he opens his eyes.  _

_ He puts on clean underwear, then looks upon his piles of clothes. What should he wear? Seonghwa wouldn’t even tell him that much...He thinks about checking his phone for more information, but he knows Seonghwa won’t give it to him. _

_ He can be annoyingly stubborn, if he wants. _

_ If it was something too proper, Seonghwa would surely tell him beforehand. His eyes catch the denim overalls he got a few weeks ago from a sale online. He hasn’t had a chance to wear them yet and he’s been really looking for an opportunity. _

_ He finds a yellow diesel t-shirt and pulls the overalls over only clipping one side over his shoulder and leaving the other one hanging. He also puts on two stud earrings Seonghwa got him for his birthday last year and a white cap, because it’s hot outside and the sun is dangerous. _

_ Just as he’s eyeing himself in the mirror, the door to his bedroom opens and Seonghwa walks in smiling. Hongjoong looks at him a little startled through the reflection on the mirror, but also smiles when the initial shock fades away. _

_ Hongjoong had forgotten the time. He glances down at his desk clock. It’s 11am. A whole half hour after Seonghwa had initially texted him. He frowns and looks at Seonghwa’s smug smile through the mirror “You lied” he says, pouting. _

_ Seonghwa just laughs, head thrown back and the sound loud and happy. Hongjoong has to suppress a smile to keep pouting because how could Seonghwa lie to him? He almost had a heart attack getting ready. _

_ “I didn’t lie, joongie” Seonghwa says, approaching him and hugging him from behind. _

_ Hongjoong is still pouting at him through the reflection. _

_ “I knew we had to leave by 11, so I told you to get ready” Seonghwa adds. _

_ “You said you’d be here in 5 minutes.” Hongjoong mumbles his pout slippin in his voice _

_ Seonghwa chuckles near his ear “I told you I’d be here in 5 minutes and you took a whole half hour getting ready. I was just planning ahead” _

_ Hongjoong turns around in Seonghwa’s arms and slaps him weakly against the chest. He’s about to exaggerate his pout, maybe glare a little to make Seonghwa feel sorry for him, but Seonghwa dips down and presses a quick kiss to his mouth. _

_ It’s weird for Hongjoong, to be able to do that so easily. The door to his room is still open, but he doesn’t care. They’d told both their moms at the same time. The reaction was expected. They were both reluctant but supportive at first and then grew slowly more and more okay with the idea.  _

_ Still it’s not like Hongjoong is going to shove his tongue down Seonghwa’s throat in front of their moms, but it gives them a little more leeway to act freely and it’s nice to know their moms have their backs. _

_ After a short moment, Hongjoong pushes Seonghwa weakly and looks up at him (the bastard still has an inch or two on him) “weren’t we supposed to leave by 11?” he knows he’s probably smiling like an idiot. _

_ Seonghwa nods and pulls away so Hongjoong can finish getting ready. He puts on shoes and grabs an orange fanny pack to put his phone, money and anything else he needs inside. He clips it across his chest and motions to Seonghwa he’s ready. _

_ They leave the room. In the entrance Hongjoong’s mom’s voice rings out from the kitchen “Have fun, be safe!”  _

_ Hongjoong yells back a thanks and they exit.  _

_ “So are you going to tell me where we are going now?” Hongjoong asks once they are outside. _

_ Seonghwa smiles at him and shakes his head no. _

_ Hongjoong eyes him a little suspiciously, eyes narrowed and eyebrows frowned.  _

_ He pouts again and sticks close to Seonghwa giving him his best puppy look “oh hyung, please!”  _

_ Seongwha snorts and pulls away. Hongjoong only calls him hyung when he wants something.  _

_ Hongjoong scowls up at him. Seonghwa laughs again. They’ve reached a bus stop. Seonghwa sits down, checking the bus schedule and pulls Hongjoong with him.  _

_ Hongjoong doesn’t look at him. He turns the other way and stares at the cafe across the street. Seonghwa sighs from his side and leans his head against Hongjoong’s shoulder. _

_ “Don’t sulk, joongie...if you really don’t like it, I’ll just tell you” he mumbles.  _

_ Hongjoong instantly feels bad. He turns and looks at Seonghwa. He’s pouting. Hongjoong sighs too “No...I’m sorry, I took it too far...I’ll be patient. I wanna see what you prepared for me” he says and smiles down at Seonghwa sweetly. _

_ Seonghwa smiles back at him and lifts off his shoulder. “That’s my joongie!” he exclaims and boops Hongjoong’s nose, which sends them both into a fit of laughter.  _

_ Seonghwa takes him to an amusement park. It’s super crowded, being both summer and the weekend but Hongjoong is overjoyed. As soon as they are out of the bus, he takes Seonghwa by the hand and drags him to the entrance smiling wide. _

_ Seonghwa laughs quietly at him, but it’s not mocking; his eyes are filled with love and affection. Their first stop is the souvenir store next to the entrance. Seonghwa tries to stop Hongjoong from going in, feeling a little uncomfortable, but Hongjoong is relentless. _

_ “We can’t come to an amusement park and not get hairbands, Hwa! It’s like...a law or something” Hongjoong firmly states as he drags the reluctant Seonghwa into the store. There are rows upon rows upon rows of all kinds of small objects, keychains, wallets and, of course, the infamous hair bands. _

_ There’s so many of them. Seonghwa is lowkey impressed. There’s animal prints, angels and demons, weird abstract ones that wiggle when you move in all colors imaginable. Hongjoong instantly moves to the ones with cat ears and pulls a fluffy black one off the rack.  _

_ Seonghwa is about to point out Hongjoong came wearing a cap when Hongjoong turns around holding the hair band and eyeing Seonghwa with a look he can only describe as evil.  _

_ Seonghwa feels his eyes widen “no…” he whispers as Hongjoong walks towards him still smirking.  _

_ “Joongie, no” Seonghwa repeats almost desperately, but it’s to no avail. Hongjoong does his best puppy eyes pouting and asks “please?”  _

_ Seonghwa wears the band begrudgingly while Hongjoong turns giggling to find a matching one for himself. He chooses an orange one with cat ears and turns to Seonghwa with such a big smile it makes Seonghwa’s heart squeeze. _

_ He is half aware of some of the other patrons eyeing them weirdly, but Hongjoong looks so happy and it was his idea to come to the amusement park so he pushes his uncomfort away. _

_ “Do they look cute?” Hongjoong asks him, taking out his phone from the front pouch of his fanny pack. _

_ Seonghwa chuckles “You look adorable” he answers as Hongjoong point his camera at them and poses.  _

_ They take a couple selfies, doing various poses like kissy faces and winks. They get giddy. Hongjoong picks more designs for them to wear and they take photos of them too. _

_ “Shouldn’t we be wearing them the other way around?” Seonghwa asks smirking and pointing to his devil-horn-shaped hair band. _

_ Hongjoong, who’s wearing the “matching” angel-halo-shaped one, shoots him a threatening look and then cups his own face with his hands “I don’t know what you mean, I’m obviously the cutest one of the two of us” he says  _

_ Seonghwa barks out laughing and quickly stops himself when Hongjoong eyes him dirtily again. “I’m sorry, you’re right. You are the cutest.” he says pinching Hongjoong’s cheek. A little ways off to their side, an older lady that is accompanying two small children coughs loudly. Seonghwa makes eye contact with her and feels nervous again. _

_ He’s about to shrink into himself, he isn’t sure how he should react. However, Hongjoong also notices. He lets out a loud gasp and exclaims “ohmygod, we’re so sorry, are we hogging the hair bands? Would you like to try some?” _

_ The woman looks at him shocked, but Hongjoong just maintains his calm face and tilts his head to the side. She probably isn’t planning on answering them but one of the children, a little girl with small pigtails, squeals in happiness and bounces about to Hongjoong. _

_ “Can you reach that crown one for me? I’m not tall enough” she says excitedly.  _

_ Hongjoong smiles broadly at her and then turns to look at the one she’s pointing at. It’s on all the way on the top rack.  _

_ Hongjoong pouts overdramatically, Seonghwa knowing this is just for show at this point, and says “Well, I can’t reach it, but I’m sure my friend over there can”. He doesn’t put unnecessary emphasis on the word ‘friend’ but his eyes turn to Seonghwa expectedly. _

_ Seonghwa shoots the adult woman a look, as if asking for permission. She sighs and nods to him to go ahead, but her eyes look cold and judging. Seonghwa grabs the hair band for the little girl and she lets out another overjoyed squeal as she puts it on. _

_ “Little lady, you look like a real princess with this one!” Hongjoong exclaims, clapping quietly. _

_ She laughs and averts her eyes.  _

_ “No really, doesn’t she look the cutest, Hwa?” Hongjoong asks, turning to Seonghwa who feels a little uncomfortable. He gives a small nod and then looks back towards the woman. She doesn’ t look angry but she doesn’t look happy either, which makes Seonghwa feel even more uneasy. _

_ From behind her legs, the head of a small boy peeks out, looking curious. He eyes the hair bands and then looks at Hongjoong, but he’s too preoccupied with the little girl to notice him. _

_ Seonghwa takes a deep breath and with a shaky voice says “Would you like to try one too?”  _

_ It catches the boy's attention, who’s attention snaps to him. It also catches Hongjoong’s attention who peers over to the boy for the first time and gives him a big, warm smile too _

_ “Oh, you totally should! Come, let’s pick one out for you” he says, extending a hand towards the boy from where he’s crouching on the floor. The boy looks at the woman expectedly and she sighs and nods in approval. _

_ Almost instantly, the boy detaches himself from her and scurries to Hongjoong. He asks the boy which band he’d like, but the boy is uncertain. Then Hongjoong smirks conspiratorially at the two and says “Well, there’s only one you could possibly want!”  _

_ Both children eye him curiously. Hongjoong pretends to be secretive as he shields the band he’d picked with his body as the children get more and more excited. Then, after a moment of suspense, he turns and reveals a light green hair band with frog eyes at the top.  _

_ The children gasp but look more confused than before. Hongjoong laughs and lowers himself to their height again “Well, you see” he begins “Every princess needs a frog!”  _

_ The children erupt in laughter, making Hongjoong smile big. Seonghwa also smiles warmly at the sight, when someone clearing their throat catches his attention. _

_ It’s the woman from before. She’s shuffled closer to him and looks nervous. Seonghwa eyes her wide eyed, a little panicky. “Uum…” she mumbles “Thank you”  _

_ Seonghwa frowns, not understanding. _

_ “It’s their birthday today. Their dad couldn’t make it and they’ve been sulking all day. It made me a little irritated so when you were loud earlier...I’m sorry, that was rude of me...and thank you” _

_ Seonghwa keeps staring at her wide eyed, not quite knowing how to respond, but she offers him a small smile and he returns it as best he can. _

_ “Actually” the boy says diverting Seonghwa’s attention back to Hongjoong “I think I like this one more” the boys points at the crown band the girl is wearing. _

_ “No problem! My friend will get you one of those too” Hongjoong answers warmly, eyes finding Seonghwa again.  _

_ Seonghwa is about to go pick another crown hair band when the girls says “No! Jun-ah, you can have mine!” she takes hers off and hands it to the boy. _

_ Hongjoong looks a little panicky. “Both of you can have the same one” he says putting his hands up to calm the children down, but the little girl just turns to him and says “I know” with a smile. Then she takes the frog hair band from Hongjoong and puts it on. _

_ They both smile brightly at Hongjoong, who’s left a little shocked crouching on the floor, and turn to the woman who laughs at them and motions them over. “You look really cute, both of you” she coos as they each grab one of her extended hands. _

_ They go to leave but the woman says “Aren’t you going to say goodbye to your friends?”  _

_ Seonghwa and Hongjoong both smile and wave at the children goodbye. Then Hongjoong stands up from where he was crouching and looks at Seonghwa. All of a sudden he looks a little worried. He approaches Seonghwa carefully, as if he might startle him and ask “are you okay?” in the smallest voice. _

_ Seonghwa isn’t even sure what he’s talking about in the beginning, still trying to catch up with everything that’d just happened. He smiles at Hongjoong and nods “Yeah, I’m fine” _

_ Hongjoong also smiles and reaches out to hold his hand for a short moment. Seonghwa smiles even bigger  _

_ “by the way, what even was that? Every princess needs a frog?” Seonghwa laughs. Hongjoong also chuckles “I don't’ know, I just came up with it on the spot”  _

_ Seonghwa eyes the hairbands on the racks and smirks “so...do you think I’d look better in the crown or the frog eyes?”  _

_ Hongjoong snorts so hard he chokes. Seonghwa is just smiling down on him as he gets his breathing under control “You’d look absolutely adorable in anything, but green ab.so.lutely doesn’t go with my outfit” he answers as he goes to retrieve a frog-eyes hair band from the racks and put the one he’s currently wearing back. _

_ Seongwha laughs and follows him, removing his own hair band and reaching up to grab on of the crowns “but, I assume, I don’t look as adorable as you” he whispers next to Hongjoong smirking at him. _

_ Hongjoong huffs “Of course, was that even a question?”  _

_ Hongjoong puts the froggy hairband on Seonghwa and Seonghwa puts the crown on Hongjoong. _

_ They end up buying these ones and exiting the store only...45 minutes after they’d entered. Seonghwa is shocked to realize how long they’d spent in there. _

_ Glancing in front of him at the vast expanse of the actual amusement park he asks Hongjoong where he wants to go next. Hongjoong turns to him with wide, excited, wild eyes and says he wants to go to the carousel because apparently his mental age is 6. _

_ Hongjoong ends up riding the carousel three times. Seonghwa only filming two of them at his request because “No, Joong, I’m not going to film you going around the carousel for a  _ **_third_ ** _ time in a row just so you can make poses as you pass by” _

_ They go on some of the other rides too, even though they don’t have a lot of options because Seonghwa is afraid of heights. Hongjoong doesn’t seem to mind. They stroll around, take pictures, they go through two different haunted houses, because why not. _

_ Hongjoong suggests they go through the love tunnel, but Seonghwa’s heart couldn’t take it so they don’t. They have overpriced lunch and leave at around 7pm. Both of them are exhausted. They fall asleep on the bus home, Hongjoong’s head on Seonghwa’s shoulder and Seonghwa’s on top of Hongjoong’s, clutching their hairbands. _

_ Thankfully they don’t miss their stop, and Seonghwa drops Hongjoong’s off a little after 8pm with a quick kiss and a promise to see each other tomorrow. _

_ Hongjoong’s mom smiles knowingly at him as he gets in the house, looking a little sunburned, exhausted and holding the little tiara. Hongjoong can tell she wants to ask him about his day, but he’s too exhausted and besides his dad is home, so he makes a promise to tell her tomorrow over breakfast. _

_ He takes a quick shower and falls asleep almost as soon as his head hits the pillows. Before he falls asleep, however, he texts Seonghwa goodnight and changes his phone home screen to a selfie they took wearing their matching hair bands _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okey, this one was a little longer than the last ones, and the next one will be even longer! so I'm going to take half a week off, to catch up to uni stuff...next update will be the coming saturday, instead of wednseday!  
> Thank you for understanding, and reading. If you liked this, you know what to do, I'll see you guys next week! 🤗💖💖


	5. The beginning of the end

Hongjoong is currently laying on the floor on his side with his head supported by his hand, squeezed between the small coffee table and the couch in Wooyoung and San’s apartment. They are watching some variety show and waiting for Yeosang to get off work to start their little “spa day”.

Hongjoong has been feeling restless, so he’s scrolling through social media when a notification from line pops up. It’s Yunho asking him what he’s doing on a Friday afternoon.

Hongjoong glances up at Wooyoung and San. He briefly texts back he’s hanging out at Woosan’s place and waits for a response. It’s barely been over a week since his almost awkward brunch date with Wooyoung and Yeosang, after Wooyoung’s birthday party.

They’ve spent more time together these past 8 days than they spent all of last year...okay maybe it’s not that extreme, but Hongjoong has been making an active effort to include them in his life, and they in turn have been more open with him.

Hongjoong has also been spending more time with San. Naturally, as you can rarely meet Wooyoung without the other also trailing behind. Hongjoong hadn’t really spent that much time with San, outside of their group outings before. San had joined their group of friends after meeting Seonghwa, when the latter had moved away for college. They worked together at some cafe and Seonghwa had taken a liking to him instantly, what with San’s naturally jovial personality.

Hongjoong might have talked to San one-on-one a maximum of three times, before he and Seonghwa had split. The aftermath of the breakup had left their friend group very affected, as much as Hongjoong had tried to convince himself of the opposite.

With so much bad blood and unresolved tension, the group sort of naturally broke into two sides and, even though they weren’t openly hostile with each other, it was obvious that Hongjoong prioritized Yunho and Mingi (his original friends) over Wooyoung and Yeosang, and they too felt a little awkward around him.

Hongjoong only started spending time with them again in group outings after a good few months and without realizing it, he’d slowly cut them off from his life. Which is something he regrets a lot right now. He regrets shutting out Wooyoung and Yeosang and he regrets not giving San a better chance, only interacting with him when he had to when they were all together. San is an absolute gem, and Hongjoong quickly developed a soft spot for the intense-looking softie.

Wooyoung catches him staring at them and raises an eyebrow. Hongjoong snaps out of his trance and waves his phone in front of Wooyoung’s face “Is it good if I invite Yunho over?” he asks.

Wooyoung pulls a face, and for a second Hongjoong is afraid he’s gonna refuse 

“Oof...if Yunho comes, Mingi will also come, which means Jongho will also be here...I should call Yeosang and tell him to pick up more booze on his way from work” Wooyoung answers pulling out his phone and typing furiously. San nuzzles in the crook of his neck watching the phone screen intently.

“We could tell them it’s a byob situation” Hongjoong offers more relaxed.

Wooyoung stops typing to gasp overdramatically and give Hongjoong the most incredulous look ever “And have them remind me constantly I made them bring their own booze to my house? I’d rather have sandpaper forced down my throat!” 

San laughs and Hongjoong just eyes Wooyoung with a mixture of pride and confusion. 

He turns back to his own phone and texts Yunho to join them. He answers immediately, a short ‘yes’ followed by a string of happy smiling emojis that make Hongjoong laugh. 

Yunho and Mingi arrive almost too soon after, barely 20 minutes going by. Wooyoung lets them in, pretend begrudgingly and they instantly make their way to the kitchen and to the fridge, opening it and taking out two beers.

“Did you have absolutely nothing better to do?” Wooyoung asks voice shriel “Were you waiting for Hongjoongie-hyung to ask you to come over so you could drink all my booze?” 

Yunho and Mingi laugh making themselves comfortable next to Hongjoong on the floor. 

“Are you running short? We could have brought some on the way over” Mingi asks innocently enough but his eyes look teasingly challenging.

Wooyoung gasps again. Throws himself on the couch like he’d just been shot and shuts his eyes tightly “Am I you?” he asks sounding offended “I would  **never** ” 

“Yah” Mingi yells and slaps Wooyoung’s thigh lightly

Everyone bursts out laughing.

Jongho and Yeosang arrive together. Jongho is carrying three plastic bags on each hand but looking infinitely better than Yeosang, who is slightly panting and has a sheer layer of sweat on his forehead.

“What the fuck happened to you?” Wooyoung asks Yeosang as soon as he appears, Jongho and San trailing in behind him.

“I caught him trying to carry all this uphill” Jongho answers instead smirking as he moves the bags in the kitchen.

Wooyoung bursts out laughing, the sound loud and obnoxious, and Yeosang shoots him a dirty look. Yeosang kicks Wooyoung lightly, forcing him to scoot over and plops down on the open spot on the couch.

“Awwww, Yeosangie, don’t sulk! There’ll come a day, when you grow big and strong” Wooyoung teasingly coos.

“I’m taller than you” Yeosang shoots back, still trying to discreetly get his breath under control.

Wooyoung gasps and slaps Yeosang on the shoulder as everyone else laughs.

They sit around for a short moment, having small talk and catching up with each other. Hongjoong lets them know it’s gotten more busy at work, but it’s not anything challenging. Yunho talks about how his residency is going, making everyone reconsider how hard they think their lives are. 

In a bout of silence, San stands up looking at Hongjoong expectedly and asks “You ready?”

Yunho, Mingi and Jongho all give them questioning looks as Hongjoong stands up. “Yep, I’ll do you and Wooyoung first, since it’ll take longer and then I’ll do Yeosang” he answers moving to his bag.

He squats downs, searching for something and then makes a small victorious sound as he shoots back up and looks at his friends who are all staring at him wide eyed trying to suppress laughter and smiles.

Hongjoong frowns, not quite understanding what’s so funny and goes to move to the bathroom urging San to follow him.

“You’ll... **_do_ ** them?” Yunho asks, voice a little shaky as he tries not to laugh

“Make sure you do them  _ well”  _ Mingi adds and it’s what breaks them. They all burst out laughing louder than necessary. 

Hongjoong spins around looking offended and in disbelief. He stares at his friends, eyes wide and mouth open, for a good minute as their laugh turns uncontrollable and they start slapping each other and holding their stomachs and shutting their eyes to keep tears from falling.

“Are you all 12 years old?” Hongjoong yells to be heard over the laughter. It only makes them laugh harder. 

Hongjoong sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose and putting his other hand on his hip, still holding on to the relatively large make up bag. 

“Do you want me to dye your hair, or should I just leave?” he asks “You know, maybe I could not be wasting my time and actually go find someone  **to** do”

His friends momentarily stop laughing, although they look like they're struggling not to.

“Will you remember this time?” Wooyoung asks sassily.

Hongjoong gasps “How dare you” he asks voice deadly as they all burst out laughing again. Wooyoung shoots him a look that reads ‘sorry not sorry’. In his rage, Hongjoong lets out a loud groan and throws the make up bag at Wooyoung’s head. 

Everyone stops laughing and looks at Hongjoong in unison, Wooyoung looking the most shocked as he rubs at his head. 

Hongjoong can’t help it, seeing their faces, mixtures of shock and worry. He also laughs, it’s weaker and more silent than his friends’, but it’s a laugh nonetheless. He turns his back to them and shoots San a look over his shoulder as he moves to the bathroom “Are you coming, hun?” for added effect he also winks at him. 

The sound of his friends laughing makes a small pain in his chest ease. He knows Wooyoung had no bad intentions, but the birthday-one-night-stand is something that’s been haunting him since it happened. Even more so, after he found out it wasn’t with who he thought it had been.

Hongjoong spent all his time the rest of last Thursday, trying to remember who he went home with, but always drew a blank.

He’d confided in Yunho, asking him if he had any idea, but the other had looked uncomfortable and gone around in circles not really answering. It had made Hongjoong more and more worried, until he got busy with work a couple days ago. It’s not like he just forgot about it, but he has more pressing matters to worry about, and nothing’s come of it so he just...let it go, for now.

He’s certain his friends know something but aren’t telling him, and under other circumstances he’d be furious with them, but...he trusts them. If they are withholding information from him, it must be for good reason, so he doesn’t push them for it.

San follows him in the bathroom and looks at him nervously.

Hongjoong laughs at him and motions him to sit on the toilet. San had brought with him the bag Hongjoong had thrown on Wooyoung’s head, bless him. Hongjoong takes it from him and opens it taking out supplies and laying them on the bathroom counter.

“Are you nervous” he asks San, who’s fidgeting on the toilet. 

San had confided in Hongjoong a few days ago that he’d always been jealous of his confidence to just do whatever he wanted. Hongjoong had asked him what he meant, and San had confessed he’d always wanted to try dyeing his hair. Apparently he’d only ever tried blonde, once in middle school and it had gone down horribly with his conservative, christian family, so he’d been afraid to try it ever since. Even though he hadn’t been in contact with his family since coming out.

Hongjoong had felt for him, somewhat. He, himself, only speaking with his own family less and less as they years went by. His father just didn’t seem to want to let go and accept him.

He’d offered to dye San’s hair for free, as a way to help him maybe grow a little more confident in himself...or something like that. Hongjoong isn’t even sure why. Although it’s not often he does other people’s hair, let alone for free. He kind of hates the process, only using his hair salon experience for himself.

San nods shakily and Hongjoong stops and turns to face him properly.

“Why?” he asks

San is silent.

“Are you having second thoughts?” 

No response, still.

“You know...if you aren’t sure you want to do this, you shouldn’t.”

San takes in a sharp breath. “It’s not that I’m not sure. I’m just...scared, I guess” he says barely above a whisper. 

Hongjoong leans against the bathroom counter and crosses his arms over his chest “What are you scared of?”

San looks down at his lap again “I don’t know”

“Is it the end result? Are you scared it won’t look good? I’m very good at what I do” Hongjoong says, attempting to lighten the mood a little.

San shakes his head “That’s not it…”

“Then what?”

“I just...what if people stop liking me” 

Hongjoong is flabbergasted. For a long moment he has nothing to say, doesn't even know where to begin. Then he crouches down, so he’s as eye-level as can be with San. He takes his chin in his hand and forces San to look him in the eye. “What do you mean, Sannie?”

San looks so uncertain of himself. It’s very different from what Hongjoong is used to seeing from him. San is confident and brave and jovial and loud. He isn’t...this. 

“Did someone tell you that people won’t like you if you dye your hair?” Hongjoong asks and waits for San to respond.

San takes a while, obviously conflicted between confiding in Hongjoong or not. After a while he says “You know what, it’s stupid, don’t worry about it” and tries to shake Hongjoong’s hand away.

Hongjoong, however, holds him even tighter. San’s eyes find his and Hongjoong says with all the seriousness and confidence he can master “It’s not stupid. You don’t have to talk about it, but if you have any doubts about doing this, then you shouldn’t.”

San stares at him for a while, then sighs like giving in. “It’s just...my mom always used to say if I look too different and stand out too much, people will notice I’m...different. And they won’t like me” 

Hongjoong doesn’t know exactly how to answer. He knows telling San that’s just not true is useless, because San himself knows that. San isn’t looking for someone to solve his insecurities, he’s looking for someone to comfort them.

“Well...at least you won’t stand out then” Hongjoong says. 

San shoots him a confused look, glancing behind him at the dye he’d picked.

“I mean” Hongjoong begins “I have electric blue hair, Wooyoung wants three different types of highlights and Yeosang...I don’t even know what he’s doing. Jongho has had red hair for the past 3 years, which...wow, what a commitment. And don’t even get me started on Yunho and Mingi...the way I see it, you stand out more with your natural hair when hanging out with us”

San looks shocked for a moment, then he laughs wetly, in relief. Hongjoong’s heart squeezes. He moves in, hugging San to his chest slowly. He pats his head and rubs his back “No one will judge you for dyeing your hair, Sannie. And least of all us.” 

It’s a stupid fear. Hongjoong can’t even understand why it’s even a problem, personally. But it’s important to San, so who is he to say what fear is important or not? 

They break up after a while, San looking like he’d been crying but tears aren’t spilling anymore. Hongjoong smiles at him and pats his head once more as he stands. “Do you want to do this then? You don’t have to, changing your mind is fine.”

“But you already bought all this stuff” San says 

“That’s irrelevant” Hongjoong answers firly.

San is silent again for a short moment. “Then...I don’t think I want to dye it after all...at least not that color” 

Hongjoong looks at the dye San had picked. It’s a vibrant, intense cherry pink. Suddenly he gets an idea.

“Then, how about we do a little experiment, to see if you like it?” he asks San.

San looks at his confused, expression turning more and more excited as Hongjoong explains his idea. In the end, San walks out of the bathroom 10 minutes later with only a single piece of aluminum foil on a patch of hair in his fringe. 

No one asks him about it, Hongjoong isn’t sure how much they heard of their conversation through the thin walls. 

Hongjoong whistles to grab Wooyoung’s attention and motions him over with one finger. 

Wooyoung stands up from the couch, he pretends to throw his hair over his shoulder and offhandedly says “Guess it’s my turn to be done. Wish me luck”

That sends everyone into a giggling fit again, even Hongjoong, who shakes his head at Wooyoung as he comes over.

Hongjoong is halfway through separating and dying streaks of Wooyoung’s hair before enclosing them in aluminum foil, when his phone starts pinging insistently.

He still doesn’t stop to check it. Knowing that if he loses his focus now, it could turn Wooyoung’s precious hair into a mess.

Another half hour later, Wooyoung is walking out of the bathroom with his aluminum covered hair. Hongjoong doesn’t follow him like he did San. He takes advantage of the moment of peace to check his phone.

He is confused to see a lot of notifications from one unknown number on his phone, but when he opens the chat log, there’s only one message there. As if the person who texted him, kept unsending their messages. 

Hongjoong starts reading the message and his breath catches on his throat.

**From: Unknown**

Good evening. This is Seonghwa. I know you have no reason or obligation to talk to me and I’m sorry if my message finds you in a bad time. However, there is something important I need to discuss with you, preferably face-to-face. Please, let me know if you are free any of the coming days, perhaps during the weekend. It won’t take too long of your time.

Hongjoong doesn’t know how to react. At first, he wants to laugh at the audacity. However, his brain supplies, Seonghwa had never actually tried to directly contact him in the past 7 years. It makes worry form in his gut at why he’d break their unspoken rule all of a sudden, at what could possibly be urgent enough to warrant them meeting face-to-face at such short notice.

He doesn’t like it one bit, doesn’t like how sudden it is, how formal Seonghwa sounds, how it feels like he’s talking to a stranger. He has to remind himself that Seonghwa is a different person now. He can be civil with him. They don't have to be friends. Hongjoong should grant him this small favor, if only for old-time’s sake, no?

He is startled out of his daze by Yeosang knocking on the open door of the bathroom eyeing him curiously, a layer of worry hidden behind his eyes. Hongjoong quickly, almost panicked, turns off his phone and motions Yeosang, but he can’t stop thinking about the message the rest of the time.

In his zoning out, he almost messes up Yeosang’s hair. Thankfully, Yeosang is darkening his hair back to black, so there’s no threat of messing up with bleach. Still, if he notices he doesn’t say anything. As an apology, Hongjoong offers to trim his lengthening hair at the back. 

He only stays long enough to see everyone’s hairstyles come to fruition, even though he’d planned to stay till the early hours of the morning. As soon as he’s done, he quietly packs his stuff and comes up with some excuse about being too tired to stay and leaves. 

Everyone else looks worried, but for whatever reason not surprised. Hongjoong isn’t even drunk enough to be going through this right now. Obviously, he hadn’t drunk at all before playing hair salon for his friends. Too scared he’d mess it up. But he hadn’t drunk after either, the worry cutting his appetite short. 

He wants to get drunk off his ass, he’s not sure he can make it through otherwise, but the idea of talking with Seonghwa while inebriated makes his stomach feel churny and sick. He knows it’s best he actually works through this sober. 

He thinks about what he wants to say to Seonghwa all the way home, and even after he gets back, he doesn’t text him. His fingers ghost over the keyboard on his phone many times, but he doesn’t have the guts to actually message back. 

He keeps thinking it over and over, worrying about all the reasons why or how when his phone pings again. He unlocks it, the phone opening to the “conversation” with Seonghwa immediately. There’s a new message.

**From: Unknown**

I know you are probably worrying yourself into madness right now. Please let me explain further face-to-face. I think it would do both of us good. 

Hongjoong wants to scoff. He wants to close the chat and block the number and not have to think about any of this for as long as he can. However, something in the back of his mind tells him he’s outrun every problem as long as he could, and it’s best if he faces them head on as they catch up with him. 

Hongjoong feels so tired. Tired of pretending to be fine, tired of living two lives, pretending Seonghwa doesn't even exist on one and not being able to stop thinking about him on the other. He knows his obsession with Seonghwa is unhealthy. He knows he could have moved on years ago, if only he’d put the effort in. But he never wanted to. 

Hongjoong realizes, hesitantly, that perhaps it’s time to face Park Seonghwa.

_ Seonghwa moves away on a warm day in late August. All his stuff, save for a couple of toys and his album collection, are packed away neatly in accordingly labeled cardboard boxes that Hongjoong had helped him pack. The truck that’ll take his stuff to Seoul arrives at 9am and they load all the stuff in quietly. Seonghwa doesn’t have to go until later in the day and they’ve planned a last day out together with their friends. _

_ Seonghwa keeps telling them it’s not the last and that he’s only moving a 3 hour train ride away, but Wooyoung has been extremely emotional. He keeps spamming the group chat about how much he’ll miss Seonghwa and how Seonghwa shouldn’t forget about them now that he's off to become a ‘big shot’. If Hongjoong had to be honest, he’d admit it’s a little too much of a downer. He doesn’t want to constantly think about Seonghwa moving to Seoul and finding new more interesting friends, or worse...He doesn’t want to think about how much he’ll miss him either, because Seonghwa isn’t even gone yet and still Hongjoong feels like his heart is breaking. _

_ They meet with their friends in front of a small cafe. Wooyoung looks like he’s been crying and even Yeosang looks more distressed than usual. Mingi is tearing up as soon as he sees Hongjoong and Seonghwa approach them. Thankfully, Yunho looks fine, if not a little uncomfortable. Seonghwa lets out a little awkward laugh when they are within hearing reach “What are you guys doing?” he asks.  _

_ Mingi and Wooyoung throw themselves on him and Seonghwa catches them gracefully. _

_ “Come on guys, I’m not dead, I’m just moving away” he jokes. _

_ Hongjoong sighs “If you guys are going to be like this, I’m taking him away” he says as monotonous as he can. _

_ Wooyoung shoots him a dirty look from within Seonghwa’s arms “You’ve hogged him all week” he whines. _

_ Hongjoong scoffs and ruffles Wooyoung’s hair “Yeah, so stop overreacting and let’s go do something” _

_ They end up going to the arcade and then to have late lunch. _

_ Seonghwa’s train leaves at 3pm and they all drop him off at the station with Seonghwa’s parents. They are all standing on the platform as the train arrives and the overhead announcer calls the next trip will be leaving in 10 minutes. _

_ Hongjoong can’t be overly touchy with Seonghwa in such a public place, especially not with Seonghwa’s dad here so he keeps his distance. The more time passes on, the more he feels like he might cry, but he’d promised Seonghwa he wouldn’t. _

_ “We’ll come visit you as soon as we get the first chance!” Wooyoung says excitedly.  _

_ Seonghwa laughs “That’s good, it’s why we rented an apartment.”  _

_ He and his parents had gone to Seoul a few weeks prior to do some apartment hunting. Hongjoong had wanted to go with, but he’d recently started working a part-time job at a convenience store and Seonghwa's dad had been against it. _

_ Seonghwa hadn’t managed to convince him to let Hongjoong tag along, so he’d only seen Seonghwa’s apartment in the pictures he took to show them. It’s not big or very new, only one room, a small bedroom and a bathroom, but it’s cheap and close to the university. _

_ The overhead announcer calls for boarding. Seonghwa approaches Hongjoong, who’d strayed a little to the side from the group and smiles at him. It’s a little sad, but Hongjoong refuses to think about it too much. Seonghwa takes Hongjoong’s hands in his own and squeezes them.  _

_ “Don’t look so sad, Joongie, you’ll make me not want to leave” he whispers _

_ “Then don’t” Hongjoong isn’t sure where it comes from. He knows he shouldn’t be acting like this. The last thing he wants is to make Seonghwa more sad than he already is. But he can’t help it. He feels like a noose is tightening around his neck. _

_ Seonghwa only keeps smiling down at him, the same sad smile. Hongjoong sighs “I’m sorry…” he apologises. He squeezes Seonghwa’s hands once too and offers him the best smile he can master “I’ll come visit” _

_ Seonghwa laughs quietly “I’ll be waiting” _

_ That’s the last thing they say to each other before Seonghwa lets go of Hongjoong’s hands, gives all their friends and his parents one last hug and boards the train. _

_ The first couple of weeks are the worst. Hongjoong misses Seonghwa direly. He’s not the only one, of course, Wooyoung being almost as much of a mess as Hongjoong. Thankfully, work keeps him busy. He picks up another part-time job waiting tables, and all the exhaustion from work and studying for retaking the entrance exam keeps him busy enough to not think about all his emotions.  _

_ September rolls around and the younger ones get busy with school. Suddenly Hongjoong sees less and less of them. His only real socializing is with his co-workers.  _

_ “-yeah, no, he’s actually a great guy” Hongjoong says as he’s washing dishes, his phone perched between his shoulder and his ear. _

_ “What was his name again?” Seonghwa asks from the other side of the line _

_ “Chan...Bang Chan. He invited me out for drinks once after work.” _

_ “Did you go?” _

_ “I was too tired, but I promised him I’d tag along next time” _

_ Seonghwa is quiet for a few seconds. _

_ “Hwa?” Hongjoong prodes _

_ Seonghwa takes a shart inhale “Just…” _

_ “Just what?” Hongjoong sets down the old tupperware he’s been scrubbing. He takes his phone in his ear carefully not to let any water from his rubber glove get on it and focuses on the other. _

_ “You know what, it’s stupid...don’t worry about it…” Seonghwa says a little too quickly. _

_ Hongjoong frowns “oh..” he exhales, a little pout overtaking his features. “So, tell me how your classes have been? Did you start?” he asks to change the subject. _

_ “Oh! No, we haven’t really started yet, orientation and whatnot, but I’m actually really ex-” Seongwha stops mid sentence. Hongjoong can hear a voice at the back but not loud enough to make out what it’s saying. _

_ After a moment Seonghwa sighs “I have to go, Joong, they are looking for me…” _

_ Hongjoong tries not to feel too disappointed “Guess it can’t be helped then, I’ll call you tomorrow then” he says _

_ “Yeah...talk to you tomorrow, goodnight, Hongjoong” _

_ “Night, Hwa, love you” Hongjoong says, but the line dies before he can finish. _

_ All of a sudden he feels like crying.  _

_ It doesn’t get better. Hongjoong gets more and more busy with work and Seonghwa with university. They talk less and less, calls being missed, messages being left on delivered or read for hours at a time.  _

_ Before Hongjoong can understand what’s happening, Christmas is right around the corner. _

_ “Oh God, I just realized, it’s december” Hongjoong says. He’s laying on his bed after showering, his phone on speaker. _

_ Seonghwa chuckles “Yeah, I know right, time just flies” _

_ “So are you coming back soon?”  _

_ Seonghwa doesn’t answer him instantly. Hongjoong doesn’t probe. He’s learned Seonghwa gets too irritated sometimes when he keeps asking him the same question. _

_ “Well, I just have to get through exams first” Seonghwa says but it sounds tense. _

_ “God, exams! Are they too hard?” _

_ “It’s manageable” _

_ “Of course you’d say that” Hongjoong laughs. Seonghwa doesn’t join him.  _

_ “Hey, Hongjoong, it’s getting late and I still have 2 chapters of revision...I’ll call you back later, okay?” Seonghwa asks. Before Hongjoong can answer, the line beeps, dead. _

_ Hongjoong sighs, he knows later means tomorrow or the day after. _

_ “Okay...goodnight, Hwa” he says even though there’s no one on the other side to hear him. _

_ he sits up on his bed, rubbing his head lazily with the towel he had wrapped around it and closes his contacts. The picture of him and Seonghwa in the amusement park stares back at him. He feels his throat constrict. It’s been doing that a lot lately. _

_ Hongjoong is hanging out with Wooyoung, Yeosang, Mingi and Yunho. They have come to visit him in the chicken restaurant he works in and the owner had let him join them for a while, as it was kind of dead at that hour.  _

_ “This chicken is honestly the best chicken I’ve ever had” Mingi says from around a piece of chicken thigh. Yeosang hums in agreement, also biting into a piece. _

_ “Well, you kids should come here more often then!” Hongjoong jokes and smiles at them. _

_ They joke around a bit, Hongjoong asking them how school is going and telling them about his troubles with his other part-time job in the meantime.  _

_ During a bout of silence, Wooyoung perks up and asks “So, Hongjoongie-hyung, when are you going to Seoul?” _

_ Hongjoong freezes. He looks at Wooyoung questioningly “What do you mean?” he asks _

_ His friends all turn to look at him shocked.  _

_ “To visit Hwa-hyung, when are you going?” Wooyoung clarifies _

_ “Yeah, we should arrive a day or two after you” Yunho pipes up, smirking and doing a little eyebrow dance that sends the rest of them in a fit of laughter. _

_ Hongjoong doesn’t laugh. “Why would I go to Hwa?” he asks, voice monotone and stern. _

_ His friends look at him shocked again.  _

_ “Hyung…” Yeosang starts “aren’t you visiting him for the holidays?”  _

_ Hongjoong doesn’t know how to answer. After a long moment of silence, he frowns down at his lap “Hwa is coming home for the holidays, though” he says. _

_ His friends all gasp. An arrangement of ‘hyung’s and ‘he didn’t tell you?’ flood his ears but Hongjoong is having trouble keeping up with them. _

_ Just in that moment, a large group enters the restaurant. Hongjoong glances over to them and to his boss, who subtly motions him over.  _

_ He swallows the discomfort and shoots his friends a smile “we’ll talk later, guys, work calls” he says and shoots out of the booth as quickly as he can. His mind is racing. What had Seonghwa not told him? Hongjoong tries not to notice the way his friends are looking at him. _

_ That night, he calls Seonghwa as soon as he’s home, before he even takes off his shoes. Seonghwa doesn’t pick up on the first call; it goes through to voicemail. There’s an unspoken rule between them that if they don’t pick up they are too busy to answer.  _

_ Hongjoong doesn’t care. He calls again. And again. And again. On the forth call, the line finally goes through.  _

_ “Hongjoong, is everything okay?” Seonghwa sounds distressed. _

_ “When are you coming home for the holidays?” Hongjoong asks instead of greeting. _

_ The line goes completely silent. Hongjoong is standing alone in his room now. His blood is boiling. He can hear Seonghwa matter ‘one moment’ and then say something to someone else that he can’t make out. He hears him rustling, probably moving to a more secluded spot and then Seonghwa sighs. _

_ “I’m a little busy, right now, Joongie, can I call you later?” he asks. _

_ Hongjoong feels tears he’d forced himself not to shed for all these past months slip down his cheeks “Just answer me, Hwa, it won’t take long.” he presses. His voice is trembling.  _

_ Seonghwa sighs again, it makes Hongjoong feel even worse. Is he that much of an annoyance to Seonghwa?  _

_ “Look, Hongjoong...I- I wanted to tell you, I did, I just didn’t know how”  _

_ “Tell me what?”he snaps. Hongjoong sounds way too angry.  _

_ “Who told you? Was it Wooyoung?” Seonghwa asks instead _

_ “Tell me what, Seonghwa?” Hongjoong yells, surprising even himself. _

_ “Don’t you know?”  _

_ “I want you to tell me yourself…” _

_ Silence again. _

_ “I’m not coming home for the holidays.” Seonghwa admits finally. _

_ It’s like a damn being broken. “And when exactly were you going to tell me about that?” Hongjoong asks harshly _

_ “I- I wanted to, trust me, I just didn’t know how” _

_ “Oh, so what, you were just going to let me keep thinking you’re coming back?” _

_ “You just sounded so happy anytime you asked me…” Seonghwa says in defeat. _

_ “Don’t pin this on me!” Hongjoong yells “How was I supposed to know, Seonghwa? Were you just going to leave me waiting? I can’t even take time off work now, my bosses count on me!”  _

_ Seonghwa is silent. After a long, long moment he sighs “I really can’t do this right now, Hongjoong, we’ll talk about this later” he says firmly. The line goes silent one last time. _

_ Hongjoong is left standing in his room, alone and shocked. He takes his phone off his ear and stares at the screen in disbelief. He tries to call Seonghwa back, once, twice, three times, four. His calls never get picked up.  _

_ After some time, he gives up. He feels so angry. He wants to rip his hair off. Instead he throws himself on his bed, work clothes still on, and cries himself to sleep. _

_ They never end up talking about it. Come to think about it, that was their first big, real fight. Before Seonghwa had left, whenever they’d fight it was always over small, unimportant things. Both of them would cave almost instantly, never going more than a day without apologising. Because the stuff they used to fight about really were inconsequential.  _

_ This isn’t inconsequential. Hongjoong doesn’t want to apologise, because he has nothing to apologise for. Seonghwa doesn’t reach out to him at all the following weeks either, which only makes his mood worsen. The boys end up booking a trip to Seoul on the 23. It’s tense when they let Hongjoong know on another visit to the chicken store.  _

_ Hongjoong doesn’t want to be a downer, so he smiles and tells them to have fun and be safe. They don’t look convinced, but who can blame them? Hongjoong’s parents end up visiting his brother out of the province. He’d recently moved to Anyang after job hunting, which leaves Hongjoong alone for the holidays. _

_ In all fairness, Hongjoong had told his parents that Seonghwa would be coming back, so he wouldn’t be alone and then he’d been too angry and too embarrassed to correct himself. It’s not like he can take time off work now, anyway. He’s only taken a couple days off on the 24th, the 25th and the 26th, and then again for New Year’s.  _

_ It’s the 23rd, Hongjoong is sitting on one of the empty booths in the chicken store, mindlessly scrolling through his phone.  _

_ “Hey, don’t look so excited there” A voice calls out to him, startling him. Hongjoong turns to look at Chan looking at him from behind the bar that separates the hall of the store and the kitchen. He scoffs and rolls his eyes, making Chan laugh.  _

_ Chan leaps over the bar and lands on his feat, leaning backwards on the bar. _

_ “Are you trying to look cool?” Hongjoong asks, trying not to laugh _

_ “Did it work?” _

_ Hongjoong does laugh “Just try not to injure yourself, grandpa” _

_ Chan looks at him shocked ‘grandpa?’ he mouths, which Hongjoong only smirks at. _

_ “You do know I’m only one year older than you, right?” Chan says as he approaches Hongjoong’s table and sits down. _

_ “Can’t hear you” Hongjoong says in a sing-songy tone. Chan scoffs again. _

_ “Anyway, what are you doing tonight?” he asks _

_ Hongjoong stops and thinks “Not much...go home, maybe study...at least it’s not too crowded today so I’m not as tired” _

_ Chan laughs “Not too crowded...yeah, you can say that again” he jokes looking around the empty store.  _

_ “People like to spend time with their families on the holidays, at least we got enough deliveries.” Hongjoong answers, going back to scrolling through his phone. _

_ “Is that what you’ll also be doing?”  _

_ Hongjoong looks up to Chan staring at him “Huh?” _

_ “Are you going to be spending time with family?” Chan clarifies.  _

_ Hongjoong falters “Well...something like that” _

_ Chan laughs “ooooh, gonna spend time with your girlfriend?” he teases _

_ Maybe it’s Hongjoong’s sour mood, or the fact he wants to remind himself more than anything else, but it slips out before he can stop himself “boyfriend, actually” _

_ Chan freezes. _

_ “Is there a problem with that?” Hongjoong asks, voice taking a threatening tone. _

_ Chan laughs, raising his hands up in defense “oh no, not at all, you just caught me off guard. I mean, you said that so casually…” _

_ Hongjoong narrows his eyes. _

_ “Hey, hey, it’s fine really, I mean...I’m also like that, so you know”  _

_ It’s Hongjoong’s time to freeze. “You’re gay?” he asks after a moment of silence. _

_ Chan laughs again “Well...not exactly. I don’t really care, boy or girl” he explains.  _

_ Hongjoong nods along “That’s cool” he says. He hasn’t met anyone else like him and Seonghwa before. Other than their friends, who all sort of joke about it all the time making it hard to tell what’s true and what isn’t, this is the first time he’s met another queer person. _

_ And Chan is so open about it too...well, kind of. Hongjoong feels himself smile. _

_ “Do  _ **_you_ ** _ have a boyfriend?” he asks Chan _

_ Chan makes a face “oh we can’t all be lucky like you” he jokes “No, this year it’s just me” _

_ Hongjoong wants to scoff. He wants to go back and retrieve his previous statement, wants to tell Chan he’ll actually be spending the holidays alone too. _

_ They end up talking about all sorts of things. Hongjoong shows some pictures of Seonghwa to Chan and Chan mercilessly teases him about ‘how hot his boyfriend is’. _

_ As their shift is ending and Hongjoong is changing out of his uniform, he glances at Chan behind him. Chan is shirtless. It’s not anything weird or anything new, they change shirts all the time in front of each other. Maybe it’s the added realization of what they’d discussed, but Hongjoong takes a sneaky moment to actually study Chan’s body. _

_ It’s nice...he’s very buff and muscular. Under any other circumstance, Hongjoong might even call him sexy, but in staring at Chan, his mind actually wanders over to Seonghwa. Seonghwa isn’t sexy. He’s cute and kind and soft-spoken.  _

_ The loud sound of a locker shutting snaps him out of this reverie. Chan looks at him and smirks, Hongjoong is still standing shirtless in front of his own locker, his shirt clutched in his fists.  _

_ “Don’t go zoning out on me now” Chan jokes “Hurry up and get dressed so I can lock up” _

_ Hongjoong scrumbles to pull his shirt over his head and gather his things. _

_ They exit the, now, closed store together, Hongjoong feeling a little awkward and holding on to his backpack strap. They start walking in the same direction, as they always do when they get off together. In the beginning, they’d say goodbye outside the store and then awkwardly shuffle in the same direction, until Chan had told Hongjoong they could just walk together until their roads parted. _

_ They don’t speak, but the silence is comfortable. Hongjoong almost feels guilty for basically checking Chan out, after he’d come out to him. Had he been checking him out, though? His mind had drifted to Seonghwa almost instantly. _

_ They reach the part where they usually split up and slow down. “Well…” Hongjoong says “Have a very Merry Christman, Chan-hyung”. Chan laughs a little and claps Hongjoong on the back lightly “You too, Hongjoong, have a Merry Christmas.”  _

_ As they start walking away from each other, Hongjoong continuing forward and Chan turning right, Chan turns back and with a big smirk shouts “TAKE IT EASY WITH YOUR PARTNER! I DON’T WANT YOU COMING BACK TO WORK LOOKING LIKE A CORPSE! MAKE SURE TO HYDRATE AND USE PROTECTION!” _

_ Hongjoong blanches. He freezes and turns to look at Chan with a horrified expression. Thankfully the street’s practically deserted, but he still shouts back “YAH, HYUNG!” whining. Chan’s loud laughter echoes through the street as he keeps walking away backwards, still looking at Hongjoong and teasing him more. _

_ Hongjoong shakes his head and feels himself smile as he continues walking. After a while, however, the smile drops from his face and his heart feels heavy. ‘Take it easy’ Chan had shouted. It makes Hongjoong let out a breathy, bitter laugh. If only Chan knew, he thinks. Hongjoong and Seonghwa had been intimate before he had left, obviously. After, however...it wasn’t something either of them had been particularly comfortable with, they’d tried once or twice, early on, but it was just awkward and not as satisfying so they’d dropped it. Now that he thinks about it, Hongjoong hasn’t done that in general in quite some time. _

_ He sighs. All of a sudden, he misses Seonghwa even more. He considers calling him, or maybe texting him to see how he’s doing. They haven’t talked in almost 2 weeks now. He pulls out his phone and scrolls to Seonghwa’s contact, but his finger merely ghosts over the screen. He doesn’t have the guts to press it.  _

_ He wants to hear Seonghwa’s voice, wants to hear his awkward laugh, he wants to  _ **_see_ ** _ him. He sighs again. His home is completely empty when he gets back. He shouldn’t feel disappointed, he had known, but a small part of him had hoped maybe Seonghwa would be waiting for him… _

_ Spending Christmas alone isn’t as bad as it could be. He eats whatever he wants, sleeps as much as he wants and finally has some time for himself. He is woken up on Christmas morning to a video call from Wooyoung. He answers without thinking too much about it, still in his bed, eyes half shut with sleep. _

_ “MERRY CHRISTMAS, HONGJOONGIE-HYUNG!” comes a loud shout from his screen which has him cringing from the loudness. _

_ Hongjoong opens his eyes slowly and sees Wooyoung, Yeosang, Mingi and Yunho all squeezed in the screen smiling brightly at him. Hongjoong smiles sleepy and says “Merry Christmas, guys” his voice is still scratchy and raspy from sleep. _

_ Off to the side he notices Seonghwa. He is sitting looking stiff and looking away from the camera. Hongjoong’s heart aches. “How are you guys doing?” he asks instead. _

_ Wooyoung starts retelling Hongjoong about how they’ve been spending their days. At some point a sixth voice starts joining in on their recount from behind the camera. It takes a while for Hongjoong to notice, because he is too busy staring at Seonghwa on the corner. _

_ “Wait” he says cutting off an exited Mingi “who’s that?” he asks. _

_ They all look at him questioningly. “Who’s who, hyung?” Yunho asks. _

_ “That person who keeps speaking off camera...I know your guys’ voice, don’t try to trick me” he scolds. _

_ Wooyoung’s eyes turn to saucers and his smile is big enough to look painful “Oh, that? That’s San! Sannie come say hi!” he says way too excitedly and way too quickly. A sixth face squeezes in frame, a shy looking boy with a bowl cut rests his head underneath Wooyoung’s chin “Hello” he says politely.  _

_ Hongjoong smiles and returns the greeting “This is San, he works with Seonghwa-hyung!” Wooyoung continues speaking excitedly. Suddenly, Hongjoong’s stomach feels like someone’s dumped lead in it. Why is Seonghwa’s co-worker there?  _

_ “Woo” he mutters, cutting the younger off a second time “I’m sorry but would you mind passing the phone to Seonghwa?” _

_ Silence befalls them. Hongjoong, for a moment, thinks he’s fucked up, but then Wooyoung and Yunho laugh at him “Haven’t gotten enough yet?” Wooyoung teases. _

_ Hongjoong rolls his eyes and just presses them to give the phone to Seonghwa. _

_ “Alright” Wooyoung says and the camera moves. Hongjoong gets a nice view of the ceiling as the phone is passed from Wooyoung, to Yunho, to Yeosang, to Seonghwa. Seonghwa’s face finally comes to view as he takes the phone in his hand and positions it properly. He doesn’t look fine and Hongjoong suppresses the need to sigh. _

_ “OhmyGod, you two!” Wooyoung exclaims but Hongjoong can hear him being ushered away, probably by Yeosang or Yunho. He can also hear San saying something that makes Wooyoung’s loud hyena laugh echo loudly through the screen. _

_ Hongjoong is about to say something when Mingi’s head pops into view, looking mischievous “We’ll give you guys a little privacy, but no phone sex! We’ll still just be in the other room”  _

_ Hongjoong is about to scold him, but Seonghwa just pushes him off the couch with a loud thud and he disappears. Hongjoong doesn’t know what to say “Hey” his voice is small and unsure _

_ “Hey” answers Seonghwa. It’s so awkward.  _

_ “I’m sorry” / “I don’t want to break up” They say in sinc. Seonghwa freezes and stares at Hongjoong “what did you say?” he asks. _

_ Hongjoong can’t look at him properly, so he stares at his bedsheets. “I said, I don’t want to break up” his voice grows even dimmer. _

_ Seonghwa’s face does a thing, like it’s caught between relief and disbelief. “Joongie...we- we aren’t breaking up. I wanted to apologise. I- I’m an idiot. I should have told you sooner that I wouldn’t be coming home for the holidays. I don't know what I was thinking, or rather… I know I wasn’t thinking. It was a shitty and cowardly thing to do and I’m so so sorry.” Seonghwa’s voice is even and calm but he looks like he might cry. God, Hongjoong has missed him.  _

_ “It’s alright” he answers, not sure what to say. _

_ “No, it’s not alright. I shouldn’t have done that. You had every right to be mad at me, and I was an even bigger coward to not apologise sooner. I just…” Seonghwa’s voice trails off and he looks somewhere off camera. Hongjoong can tell he’s biting the inside of his cheek. _

_ “You what?” Hongjoong asks _

_ “It’s stupid”  _

_ “Hwa, we should talk about this...I promise I won’t think it’s stupid”  _

_ Seonghwa sighs “At first I was angry, I was so busy with exams and trying to balance work and I just...I couldn’t understand why you couldn’t give me space. But then exams passed and I sat down and actually thought about it and I was so...ashamed, and angry at myself. Then the more days passed, the more guilty I got and I...convinced myself you didn’t want to hear from me anymore…” _

_ Hongjoong’s heart unclenches and then clenches again for an entire other reason. “Oh, hwa...I want to hear from you all the time”  _

_ Seonghwa laughs wetly, relief written all over his face “I’m so sorry, Joongie”  _

_ “It’s okay now…”  _

_ A not comfortable but not uncomfortable silence falls over them.  _

_ “How is work going?” Seonghwa asks to fill the silence. _

_ Hongjoong starts rambling about work. He tells Seonghwa about Chan, the conversation they’d had two days ago, although he keeps the part about staring at him while he was shirtless to himself.  _

_ “God, that sounds tiring. Don’t overwork yourself, Joongie” Seonghwa says with a small smile when Hongjoong runs out of things to tell him. _

_ Hongjoong laughs, making Seonghwa smile bigger. “How is work for you?” he asks Seonghwa. _

_ Seonghwa hesitates. For a second, Hongjoong thinks he won’t tell him. _

_ “It’s not bad” Seonghwa starts “working at the cafe...it’s more tiring than I thought it’d be, and I’m basically there just to get more customers. It doesn’t pay as well as I had hoped it would either.” _

_ Hongjoong frowns “Oh, I’m sorry.” he knows how part-time jobs are “have you tried getting another one? Or maybe changing all together?”  _

_ Seonghwa hesitates again. He looks bashful as he says “Actually...I did get a second job”  _

_ Hongjoong’s mouth forms an ‘o’ as his eyes widen. “You got another job?” _

_ Seonghwa nods shily.  _

_ “Well what is it?”  _

_ “I-...don’t make fun of me” Seonghwa says. It makes Hongjoong anxious.  _

_ “What did you start working as a Hostboy or something?” he jokes. _

_ Seonghwa laughs and shakes his head “No,no it’s not quite like that...I got a modeling gig”  _

_ Hongjoong jaw drops to the floor “A modeling gig?!” _

_ “It’s not as fancy as it sounds...I did a couple shoots for some local hair salons and then someone reached out to me, a scout…” _

_ Hongjoong laughs, not teasingly but from joy “OhmyGod, Hwa, that’s so cool! I have the coolest boyfriend in the world!”  _

_ Seonghwa laughs “oh, Joongie" _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OhmyGod, I'm so sorry! This week has been so hectic, I forgot I was supposed to update yesterday...well, better late than never, right? haha...😅😅 I told you guys this would be a long one, though. Wowie, it's really getting messy, ain't it?   
> I'll be honest guys, I've been struggling with writing angst the past week or so, which leaves this one at a disadvantage considering we're nearing the climax of the angst 😫😩...Next chapter will be either Saturday, or next Wednesday deepending on how well I do.   
> Sidenote, I got my first ateez album this week and ohmygod it's so pretty!! This is the first kpop album I ever bought and I got a seongjoong photocards and also sannie!! I feel so lucky 🤩🥳😂

**Author's Note:**

> So this has been it, so far! I hope you liked it! Please leave a kudos and, if you want, a little comment. They really motivate me to write stories and share them with people! 💖💖💖
> 
> This has been a work in progress for so long. Originally I started it to procrastinate a different Seongjoong fic I'm working on but somehow ended up finishing it first😭😭😭. Either way, I'm kinda proud of this one, even though it turned out more fluffy than I originally planned for it to👀👀👀


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